Your Boyfriend’s Back…..Now What?

Labeling is terrible. In my humble opinion, to call a trend, an event, a happening, a misnomer, ( like the Dow IS the Stock Market, NO!, it’s just 30 stocks out of hundreds), a usual occurrence, or any other unnamed situation by a “cast in stone” name is laziness on the part of Journalists or unaware people.

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For example, when men have never married well into middle age, the common labels referring to them is “unemotionally unavailable, or having a “fear of commitment.” Here’s one of the rare areas where women get a break usually reserved for men. If a woman has never married or stayed single well into middle age, they are said to have a good list of excellent reasons not to get married. Here are just a few examples:

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1) They are still recovering from the awful effects of a long term break-up.

2)  Their busy lifestyle requires lots of travelling.

3)  They are simply focusing on their careers. It’s totally time consuming.

4)  Going through a well deserved “selfish phase.”

5)  Her standards have changed and she can’t find a “perfect man.”

6)  “I just don’t NEED a man.”

Now let’s be fair and give the guys a break. Do you think George Clooney finally “overcame” his “fear of commitment” and no longer feels “Emotionally Unavailable? Nope. I think the REAL answer is because of his lifestyle and high standards he FINALLY has met  “the one.”

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Recently sex and relationship expert and author Emily Dubberly said  to women “Life is too short to settle. Although you know you eventually want a relationship, there are times in your life when being single is a much better option.” So why wasn’t this also directed to men? In my personal opinion, I think the basic reason men hesitate about proposing is that he knows way down deep that he not ready, either financially or emotionally. And the other reason is the underrated truism, that he knows that he has not yet met “the one.”

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Now that I brought you up to date on the “modern” way to look at couples and marriage, lets go back to the title of this Blog. Heeee’s back and now what? You have to work with me here since we didn’t establish the history of your relationship with him and why it broke up. Did he leave? Did you boot him out? Now that he’s back, what does that mean to you? He’s been calling begging for a second chance or at least an opportunity to re-plead his case. Do you want to try again? If you know for sure that you still feel sorry about hurting him, think long and hard about how you may be hurting yourself if you take back a guy you were convinced, at that time, was totally wrong for you, (if not totally, then wrong enough.)  Maybe he left you and realized HE was wrong when he initiated the break up in a fit of overheated rage. Later when he cooled off, he realized that he really loves you. Did you think you loved him enough to work on getting back together? Do you want to get back with a hot head who can’t control his behavior, or are you a passion freak like in the books and movies? The description of how it happened and the details are yours, and so is the decision. So as the old Ella Fitzgerald “Too Close For Comfort” song lyrics (kinda) goes;” Be wise, be smart, behave my heart, don’t upset the cart, when it’s so close.”

Good Luck and make a wise choice.

I think many of your friends have or will face similar circumstances after a break-up. If you would be kind enough to send this blog to them via your e-mail list, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest or any other Social media you’re into, both they and I will appreciate your effort, and while you’re at it ask if they would do the same to their list of contacts.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also find me on my webpage   stophatingdating.com  or

http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick   or   http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

 

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He Said “I Love You” Daily, Then He Left. Know Why?

 

I wasn’t there to observe both of you during your relationship, so I can’t positively say I know for sure why he left. But I have a pretty good Idea why.  Men suffer from a variety of maladies when it comes to making and keeping a commitment; some get cold feet, some met and test drove the latest “model,” others couldn’t stand the constant nagging, (I heard you just say not me, good for you, happy to hear you’re not a nagger), and some are guys that are just not cut out for permanency, because way down deep they are Emotionally Unavailable.

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Before we get into the why? and other questions, let’s take a look at the “good ones.” Scot  McKay of X & Y Communications, is a successful professional Dating Coach who has invited me to be interviewed on his Radio show this coming Tuesday June 3rd. I think he is super. Check him out on You Tube, where he discusses the following Four things a woman wants from a man;

1) Masculinity- A man who is not afraid to make decisions. Someone who is happy to get involved and discuss options with you. Not afraid to compromise. Someone who exudes confidence without super ego or bragging.

2) Ambition- A man who has a plan, strives and works hard towards a realistic goal.

3) Security- All women want a man that makes her feel safe. If there is a noise downstairs in the middle of the night you are sure he will take care of it.

4) She KNOWS he loves her and would never leave or cheat. TOTAL TRUST.

INTERROGATIVE

Use the big 6 to figure it out;  Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Now getting back to why he left, there are six questions for you to answer:

WHO? may have influenced him to change his mind? A friend? a relative?

WHAT? specific event made him upset enough to change his attitude towards you, at least for a while, while he “cooled off.” Which means reviewing your relationship.

WHEN did it happen? Try to recall what event(s) led up to it and what specific communication (or lack thereof), happened right after.

WHERE did he go,? either with or without you, that a Significant Emotional Experience( S.E.E.) might have happened that could have turned him against you.

WHY did it happen? Could it have been the frequency and intensity of the intimacy between you. Did you have insightful thoughts at the time (you know, the ones without excuses or rationalization), that there is something missing in the bedroom? Did you discuss it with him? Did you pay attention to what he said? Did you try to be sexier or try new things to awaken his lagging libido? Be honest!

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HOW did it happen? Did he follow the script of those lying asses who tell you they “Love you” on Monday, “Crazy about you” on Tuesday, “Adore being with you” on Wednesday, “Can’t live with out you” on Thursday and Friday he says “I’m leaving, I can’t take it any longer, it’s over, I’m outta here, and poof, he’s gone.

It’s Time to be Honest and Figure it out.

After you review the situation you think up several reasons; I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m totally fault free (It’s the normal knee jerk first reaction to the blame game), or he was really schizophrenic all along and I guess I didn’t see it, or I did see it and rationalized it away, or I guess I do have some fault because I didn’t notice all his gradual changes, and finally, I should have known it was an impossible challenge from the beginning because no other women has made him stay in a committed relationship, he obviously is “Emotionally Unavailable.”

A Bachelors Life

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The well known so called “life long” bachelors like Derek Jeter of the N.Y. Yankees, Warren Beatty who didn’t wed until he was 55, Jack Nicholson, still dating now into his late 70’s and George Clooney, now 52 and recently engaged, have/had been single for so long that anything short of saying “I Do” showed a lack of commitment.  I think there comes a time when even the ones that claim that they will never marry (like Clooney), eventually find the Soul Mate they have been having tryouts for over decades, or are just getting older and tired of the dating rat race.

Bachelorettes Turn

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Famous women who have never walked down the aisle include; Oprah Winfrey, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn (although she has been in a committed relationship for over 30 years), legendary actress Katherine Hepburn, Winona Ryder, Condoleezza Rice and Cameron Diaz, just to name a few, have never been accused of being Emotionally Unavailable, nor do others say these woman have a fear of commitment, they gossip that they are either; bad closers, lesbians, bi-sexual or just don’t want or need an immature man-boy to help bring up to manhood with it’s time consuming inherent responsibilities. Today woman are focused on their careers, the joy of travelling alone or with friends, actively choosing to stay single. They are not like their Grandmothers and  Mothers who worked and worried full time at the business of landing a man. These young independent women feel life is too short too just settle. Many young women now feel as their standards are elevating, and after viewing the plague of immaturity and irresponsibility of men (boys) their age, today they are better off staying single. They know they will want a relationship eventually, but not right now. The average of age of newlywed women has moved up to 28 (the highest ever).

So, in summary, I’ve given you clues to look for, behavior to examine and especially to pay ever-so-close attention to intimate passion and intensity, sincerity and true, honest caring, communications to help you learn how to KEEP your Soul Mate.

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Thank you so much for reading my blog. I wonder if you will do me and your friends a favor. If you would be kind enough to share this Blog with your e-Mail friends, your Face book friends, Twitter followers and on other Social Media Networks you belong to. Your single friends, or ones who know singles, will certainly appreciate you for enabling them to learn how to KEEP their Soul Mates.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also contact me at:   http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick    or

http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

or my website     www.stophatingdating.com

Is it Worth Rescuing Your Relationship?

It could be as wide spread as turning around a first date that has lost it’s chance for a good first impression, all the way to a boring 50+ year long marriage, if you both care to rescue it, it can be done. O.K. now you can take a deep breath. Don’t you just hate those looong sentences? Sometimes I wish that I could write like one of my literary hero’s, Ernest Hemingway. I enjoyed his economical and unadorned style of writing. He wrote some of the greatest novels of all time; “The Sun Also Rises”, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, “A Farewell to Arms” and a “special” favorite of mine which I read at 13, “The Old Man And The Sea”, (notice that even in his 6 word title, no word is longer than three letters.)

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“Fish, he said, I have love and respect you very much. But I will kill you dead before this day ends.” So pure, so simple, so direct, so different than others authors that bored me with their lengthy descriptions. James Michener once took three pages to describe a tree. Perhaps I’m exaggerating a tad, but you get the embellishment idea.

My apology Ernie, but today I have to be a little more detailed, verbose and effusive describing todays complicated subject matter. Try to visualize these 8 relationship problem areas while also thinking about how you would be going about fixing your own (if any apply).

The Top 8 In No Special Order

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1)  Who made up these Rules? I call them readily accepted truisms, but where is it written that these are the OFFICIAL RULES. a) When dating, women should expect to go to bed on the third date. Really? What if she’s not ready? I’m going to take a guess here…this RULE was made up by men. b) What about the 7 year itch? It seems to be common knowledge that one partner, (usually the man), will stray after six years of fidelity, (especially if it was with Marilyn Monroe). c) Here’s one I recently heard about called the “15 year immunity clause,” that means if you can make the marriage last 15 years, it will last until “death do us part.” It didn’t work for me, twice. I wonder what the facts really are.

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2)  Problems communicating. Guys usually don’t like small talk. They also don’t pour out their heart to a close buddy. Women are different. Most women I know can’t get their guy to talk about their problems, so they have a close trusted friend to pour her heart out to. I think it’s critical for the salvation of the relationship that she has to convince him to at least “start to talk about us.” That’s usually when you hear those oft said words from him, “I didn’t know you felt that way, how come you never told me,” DUH?

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3)  Intimacy awareness. He’s ready, she’s not. He’s angry at her unwillingness to do her “womanly duties” to make him happy. She can’t understand why he is such an “animal,” and can’t comprehend that she’s tired, not feeling well and not in the mood for another wham! bam! thank you mam! ZZZZzzzz.  It’s really so simple to work out. Just be honest and accept your partners excuses. If they are not interested in sex at that moment, maybe they will tomorrow, discuss it then. No emotion needed, just open, honest communication. Sounds easy right?

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4)  Compromise. That’s a key word in a relationship. When you’re single you do what you want to do, unless a friend talks you out of it. However when you are together and you determine that she wants her choice at a seemingly 90% level and you want yours at about 30% degree of desire, just read her correctly and be wise to give in. Maybe you’ll “win” the next time. You can try to keep score if you like, and if you feel she is getting her way a disproportionate percentage of the time, then discuss it civilly. I had that situation once. She was very frequently demonstrative and emotional about seeing her choice of movie NOW. I really didn’t care that much, so I always deferred, until I was anxious to see my movie, so we discussed it, and I won. She didn’t like the headlock I put her in then pinning her down with my knees on her arms and counting her out, it surprisingly made her a tad cranky. But sometimes you have to assert yourself. As my Pappy used to say “Don’t let them crap on your head, Open your mouth.” YUCK. Please don’t take that literally.

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5)  The truth will set you free. When I stopped lying my life totally changed. Since I was getting older and more forgetful, I was also forgetting my lies. I called them all little white lies so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt, but some lies were beyond little and white. If you pay attention to politics and the media, people who get caught lying are usually in much more trouble than those who admit it and get it over with.  Hiding the truth about ones inability to stop shopping continuously building up credit card debt will be a huge problem when it is revealed. Also concealing baggage (secrets) about; former family members, friends, older children, exes, business relationships, and legal problems could cause huge often unresolvable predicaments.

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6)  Shy or sly in bed can make you cry. Even if you’re not really in the mood, I suggest cuddling. The simple act of togetherness or just touching body parts can create a surprising sense of sexual intimacy. If you are a women, you know it takes a while to get interested (turned on), so initiate the closeness yourself, it just may turn into something delicious. As you realize, you must go very slowly at first. If he senses you’re horny and ready, he’ll pop a woodie and jump you well before you are ready. Try to slip him a Valium instead of his normal Viagra.

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7)  Nothing is perfect. Especially us as incredibly diverse human beings. If you make up a list of what you want/need in a mate, you may be disappointed that the list of physical attributes can’t overcome some disturbing emotional malfunctioning. So you really have to re-think your physical perfection list, and add important personality requirements that  should zoom up to the top of your list. Here are a few four letter words to add; Good, nice, kind, wise, talk, care, and the most important one…someone who can truly LOVE.

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8)  Keeping the romance alive. In the beginning it was amazing. Charisma at first sight, followed by Fireworks! Sparks! and Explosions!  They couldn’t keep their hand off each other, even in public. He wanted sex hourly. She had a big smile on her face but was tired, worn out, but she only felt complete and fulfilled when he was inside of her. Gradually old man time with his cohorts; boredom and routine took over. Now, even though she’ll never initiate anything sexual because of the fear of being rejected, she still misses the lovemaking. He seems bored, distracted and into beer, sports, porn and those challenging video games with his buddies. He has to start over to rekindle the romance. Start saying complimentary things, hug her whenever you see her, tell her how happy you are with her and start doing the physical things to rekindle the flame. The initial lust may be gone, but that doesn’t mean you must drop off to zero. He will find out that by improving his lovingly affectionate actions, the romance, love and sex will come back. When you love each other, keep working, (it’s really more pleasure than work) to keep the romance alive. It will pay off in incredible emotional and physical rewards. Just make dates to do fun or romantic things the way you did when you were active lovers.

I hope my words will stimulate you to stimulate your mate. Be kind, be thoughtful, be talkative and I know the love you once had, will have a greatly renewed chance to be revived.

I love to write and I LOVE to write for YOU.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also find me at http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick

or http://www.facebook.com/101WaystoStopHatingDating

or http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

 

 

 

Men Are Dogs: So What Else Is New?

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I have to be careful here. I’m not looking forward to see a mob of angry men, carrying torches outside my house because they feel I have become a turncoat. On the other hand, women are saying “Now here’s a guy that gets it.” The guys think I opened up Pandora’s Box by telling women how men are usually lying to them and what they really want from women.

DISCLAIMER:

I have to be careful generalizing about percentages. Very few things encompass all or none, it’s usually a number somewhere in the middle. So I will be careful saying, “Men say….”. You may feel it includes ALL men. Not so! Even by saying “Most men feel….” it’ll mean more than half feel that way. So if I slip up and either imply it is all or even most, just interpose the word ‘many’ when I say “Men feel or act a certain way,” then use the percentages that YOU can live with.

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John Gray wrote, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” in the mid 1990’s. It sold over 50 million copies and was ensconced on the Best Sellers List for 121 weeks. Gray researched and wrote brilliantly about the fundamental psychological differences between the genders. Men claim they offer quick solutions to problems. But women are not satisfied with the solutions, but would prefer to discuss them further. The genders also differ how they respond to stress and stressful situations.

Men often prefer to return to the comfort of their Man-Cave to refresh and review. Women, on the otherhand, want to continue to discuss “it” NOW.

Both genders have preconceived notions about finding a steady date. They also fantasize about their type.

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She says, “I want a tall, thin guy with a full head of hair that dances, is smart, funny and successful, and one who does not need my money.

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He says, “I want sexy, busty, thin, great ass who has her own money for the big things and will fulfill my sexual fantasies day and night.”

If she is lucky to find Mr. Right and he passes the “physical test”, then the personality testing begins. Is he usually kind vs. angry? Is he a talker or mute? Is he willing to do the activity I want to do? If I give in too soon in bed, will he leave me for a bigger challenge? Is he the marrying kind? Would he make a good dad?

He is usually thinking, “Does she like sports? How about playing video games and drinking beer with my buddies? Does she love sex as much as me? Does she have many activities with her friends in order to give me lots of free time with the boys?”

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And now for the real potential deal breaker. How is the sex? He thinks he is god’s gift to women and a great lover. She says, “Erection, ejection, then rejection. Where the hell did he go? Is that the sound of a game on TV in the den? The guy has no idea how to please a woman. He thinks “Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am” is how to make love. Either he doesn’t know or doesn’t care, or perhaps both.

Premature ejaculation, not being able to turn her on with foreplay (which includes starting with a good morning hug and kiss), are all things he has to be willing to work on if he can get over his embarrassment, and truly cares about improving.

Of course, there are other couples that are so into each other physically that together they explore all the various methods of improving intimacy by prolonging sexual excitement. Sting and his wife, Trudy, have extolled the joys of Tantric Sex for many years.

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Lucky me! On Thursday, May 8th at 10:00 p.m. EST, I will be interviewed by Devi Ward. Devi is a Tantric Sex Expert and a pioneer in the field of sexual healing and empowerment for women, as well as the Co-Founder of BetterLoveandSex.com – A revolutionary, new form of Erotic Education for Adults.

The link to the radio show is:

http://www.ctrnetwork.com/profile/BetterLoveandSex

I encourage you to call in with any questions that you may have for us. The call in number is: 877-230-3062

I hope that couples will listen in and learn how to improve their lovemaking. You will learn from one of only 2 people in North America qualified to teach the Secret Tibetan 5 Element Sexual Tantras.

I’m awaiting your feedback.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

My website is: http://www.stophatingdating.com

Or you can reach me at:  www.twitter.com/martysavarick  or http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

read a review of the book at: http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

Can Great SEX Overcome Annoying Habits?

Good friends are hard to find…and keep, (kinda like Soul Mates). So if this story seems quite familiar, and you remember their “real names,”  let’s just keep it between us. The second two names I just thought about using was Jack and Jill. I tried to scroll the list of all the names of couples I learned about growing up, and decided not to use Adam and Eve, my obvious first choice.

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Jack waited until he was in his mid-forties until he decided that since he loved Jill so much, he was ready to tie the knot. He was so proud to be with her, loved her looks, couldn’t keep his hands off her, the sex was great and she was very intelligent. What more could a guy wish for?

Soon after moving in together, cracks started to appear in their “perfect” relationship. He was a saver and she increased her spending dramatically claiming, “Now that there are two incomes, there is so much more to buy.” He was a neat freak and she was content to wait until “later” to clean up the mess she had made. They each talked about what bothered them, but in a cute loving way. “I love her/him so much it’s impossible to be 100% totally compatible, we’ll work out the little glitches,” they were fond of saying to their closest friends.

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Jill remembered very clearly that the “little” problems between them exploded the memorable night she got up and felt her way into the master bathroom attempting to tinkle in the dark. She had no idea he had forgotten to lower the toilet seat…..again. He, was blissfully dreaming when he was suddenly awoken mid-dream by the shrieking sound of Jill in distress. He jumped out of bed and ran toward the sound in the pitch dark bathroom and flicked on the light. Unfortunately for him, (but later on fortunately for his divorce attorney), Jack couldn’t stop laughing hysterically at the sight of Jill only with her head, arms and lower legs sticking out of the toilet bowl, involuntarily splashing her shivering private parts in the cold water.

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That was the event that they both referred to as “the unceremoniously opening of Pandoras Box.” All those previous cute little difference’s were now being blown out of proportion being described in x-rated profanity The name calling had started and they were at each others throats trying to remember why “I even fell in love with this asshole in the first place.”

I had dinner with him a couple of months after the finalization of their divorce, and Jack was hesitant even thinking about starting to date ever again. “It seemed so perfect in the beginning now it’s over. How do I protect myself from it ever happening again?” We both agreed to do some research and try to find the solution.

I told Jack that I had read an article about Dr. John Gottman, director of Seattle University’s “Love Lab” and founder of the Gottman Institute, that have studied thousands of couples for decades. He claims that there are “Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.” He claims these four traits are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism includes attacking your partners personality, “why are you always so late?” Contempt is constantly putting your partner down, “you’re stupid for believing that.” Defensiveness is rebuffing your partners complaint with one of your own, (kind of like tit for tat). Stonewalling means clamming up and refusing to discuss anything at all.

If the intent is to mutually resolve the difficulty between you, then you can look for a highly recommended relationship counselor nearby your home and take classes together for resolving your particular issues. You’ll learn that stopping the hurtful accusatory words will go a long way in resolving your problems.

So Who Will Make it as a Couple?

It really boils down to good communication.Two-thirds of couples claim that their spouse often made them feel good about themselves, whereas only about one quarter of unhappy couples could claim the same thing. The rule to remember: Even if you assume your partner already knows how you feel, that he/she is smart/funny/sexy, or that you’re very grateful for the “things” they do, it’s still vey important to reiterate your appreciation for each other often.

What’s the Main Cause for Divorce?

Most people think it’s the highly dramatic ones like adultery or domestic violence but they are wrong. The main reason is a “soft” one, “We just grew apart.”

Advice on How to Make it Work

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Don’t assume that since you don’t fight constantly or get into jealous spats that all is O.K. You both need to think about improving the soft side of your relationship, In particular, doing things together. Learning to play a sport and taking bridge lessons together, taking that cooking class, or even taking Ukulele lessons together, will add additional sparks. The reason is that your togetherness creates dopamine, a chemical in our bodies that is released into your blood stream. It also was released when you first fell in love. Staying in love is not that hard; keep up the mutual respect and do fun stuff together.

It takes a concerted effort to avoid ennui (boredom). Think about all the things you always wanted to do, or try, or see, or listen to, or visit, and plan on sharing them together.

I love to hear from you. Take a few minutes and write a couple of sentences in the comments section about your love story.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Visit my Website at:  www.stophatingdating.com

or visit me at  www.twitter.com/martysavarick   or   http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

buy the e-book from  http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

 

 

 

 

 

The Big Lie and the Gullible Who? Might that be You?

What a wonderful, interesting weekend we just had. Most of the days of our lives, we’re just passing thru. Our days are replicas of most other boring, routine days, kinda reminding me of the classic Bill Murray film “Groundhog Day.” But this past extended weekend, starting with Friday evening and up to right now as I’m writing this latest Blog, we enjoyed a group of exciting experiences.

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It began innocently enough with a dinner date with another couple who we’ve known as neighbors for a long while, but no one ever took the initiative to ask the other couple to get together socially. I knew from a few conversations that he was a nice guy and people said she was funny.  Well, funny is not the word, I’d prefer calling her hysterical. Use your imagination and create a comedy mix of Ellen DeGeneres, John Rivers, and Chelsea Handler. She told stories that had us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. We had such a good time that I wrote to her later that evening and addressed her as my “Twin sister from another mother in another decade.”

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Another wonderful experience was watching Billy Crystals “700 Sundays” on HBO. I cannot ever remember so many moments of laughter mixed in with tears as Billy related his family life, then sadly losing his beloved father when Billy was only 15.

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Saturday evening we had a lovely romantic dinner at home and watched the film “A Civil Action,” a legal drama starring John Travolta with an amazing supporting role played by the late, great James Gandolfini.

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Sunday morning we visited a new Asian massage place for the first time that specializes in foot massage. The whole experience takes 45 minutes. They start you with a neck and upper back massage and follow by a half hour of the most incredible foot massage (Reflexology). We booked again for next weekend and another Wow experience.

Last night I looked up some interesting people on Twitter, and recall a very intriguing comment. One woman posted; “It’s kinda messed up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides never to talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they make it look so easy.” Now this morning, while reading my local paper I noticed a nationwide advice column called Ask Amy, that featured this headline, ” Woman confused by a change of heart.” The guy simply left her for no apparent reason.

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Hmmmm. Something very strange, yet quite familiar, is going on here. It appears that there are many heartbroken women in the same boat. Some of these bums drag women along for an interminable time with their latest version of the big lie.”I love you and I swear we will be together.” The ones in a relationship that choose to leave are not such good liars or actors, so they leave in the middle of the night, so to speak. The ones that wait for the light of day are the slightly  “braver” ones, but that doesn’t mean they will ever tell WHY, they left. Sadly there are many stories of women under the spell of those actor-liars who string their girlfriends along, delusionally wasting the best years of their lives.

Why does it also happen to the ones who have been in a long term illicit relationship? They have been leaving their wives forever, but not quite yet. Why do so many women take so long to notice his “tells” or conflicting indicators, often unbelievable stories and negative body language. Here are a group of comments that may be all or part of the answer, and why she is in the position she’s in;

a) “I love him, I have unbreakable faith that he will be mine someday.”

b)  “I know he loves me and he has this/these big problem(s) to overcome.”

c) “I know he tells me some little white lies, but that’s to protect me from some bad news.”

d) “My close friends and family know about us and don’t like him, but they are all wrong.”

e)  “I’ve waited so long, a few more (days, weeks, months, etc.), will be worth the wait.”

f) “I believe in the power of prayer.”

g)  “So what if he looks at and flirts with other women, boys will be boys.”

h) No matter how long I’ve waited for him, it only feels like a very short time since his last excuse.

I)  “I just know he is the man for me and I refuse to cheat on him and our love because I know that if I do, I will live to regret it.”

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Without knowing all your details, it is impossible for me to tell you exactly what to do. It’s easy to pull a Dr. Phil and solve your problem in 22 minutes, less commercials, but this is a serious matter, not a TV show. Just for me to call names, “He is a LIAR and you my dear, are a FOOL,” will not solve your situation.

I have combined two types of heartbreakers together, so let’s solve one at a time. As far as the guy who tells you he loves you on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and says I’m leaving on Friday, unfortunately you may never find out why he left. I’m sure you would love to know why for several reasons; curiosity, if there was someone else, or perhaps a habit or behavior or yours that he couldn’t deal with any longer. The most positive reason to know why, is because there may be something there that you can choose to change about yourself. I’m sure you would like to know what about you this guy hates, in order to see if it’s worthwhile trying to change because the next guy(s) might be bothered by the same thing. Here are some of the kinder reasons why he might say he had to leave;

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a) “It’s not you, it’s me.” George Costanza in Seinfeld thought it up, or so he thought.

b) “I just need more space.”

c) “I just need to be on my own right now to better deal with my problems.”

d) “I’m just not ready now for a committed relationship.”

e) “You must have known that I haven’t been happy for a while.”

f) “I don’t deserve you.”

Those that say nothing and leave, if pressed, might say something nasty just to inflict pain or to get revenge for some unspoken incident. Be careful what you wish for;

a) “I’ve met someone else.”

b) “I’m not in love with you.”

c) “I never was in love with you, I tried, but it never happened.”

d) “You have too many annoying habits for me to deal with.”

The other guy is the one who can’t pull the trigger by getting his divorce finalized, (so to speak.) He wants to be with you, so he says, but he either can’t make the move to freedom, or he is just using you as a sex toy with no plan for permanence. You are enabling this guy by listening to, and accepting his bull. Don’t continue to be a victim. The choice is yours. Here is what I suggest you do and how you should feel about it;

a) Give him one last deadline. Tell him if he is not free and totally available to you by the deadline, it’s definitely over. Even if you’ve had “deadlines” before, swear that this time it’s for real.

b) After he disappoints you this final time, then break it off, (What a dirty mind. I know what you’re thinking. I mean break the relationship off). No communication between you. (not even to find out about a sick relative.) Zero contact. No “accidental” running into each other, (I know you know his schedule), no calls of any kind, no computer contacts of any kind, no intervening friends to finally bring him to his senses. Nada, zip, nothing. It’s over! You’ve been used and now YOU are in charge.

c) Get on with your life. You’re terrific. Go on dates, lots of dates. Join the top dating sites, get friends to fix you up with “nice” compatible guys. Even if there’s no immediate chemistry, at least you can accumulate a new group of male friends, who also have friends, they too also have other friends, etc.

d) You will survive. Living well is the best revenge.

The death of a close, intimate, loving relationship is painful, and will take some time to totally overcome.You must pull yourself back from the quicksand of the loving memories from the good times and objectively review all of your history together. His ongoing unkept promises, lies, occasional mysterious loss of contact, the volume of times you’ve forgiven him, and now be thankful you’ve made the decision to rescue yourself. No more a victim. Just love yourself and someone truly worthy will deeply love you sooner than you ever thought possible.

Please comment in the space below. I’d love to know what’s on your mind. Have you or any close friends suffered the heartbreak of an unsuspected break-up?

I love to write and LOVE to write for you.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Please visit my website at:  www.stophatingdating.com

or visit at: http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick  or  http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

or buy the e-book at

http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

Is He Ready To Dump YOU? Here’s What to Look For

LOVE is in the air. Spring is here. Trees are blooming, birds are singing and we don’t have a care. Oh happy day, say the Hallmark people. So what happens to shock you back to reality? Evil Marty “suggest’ that your guy, the one you love, the same guy you fantasize about spending the rest of your life with, just may be thinking about dumping you.

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What? Break up with ME? We are a couple, and so much in love. But, along with the reality of Spring comes the IRS and tax time. It’s now time for a somber, sober personal relationship audit. Remove your head from the clouds, take a stroll away from your delusional white picket fence, and take a D E E P breath of reality. Those occasional “little” subtle things may be part of a larger problem when you put them all together, and study all the signs.

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The good news, as if being dumped is anything akin to good news, is that if you discover certain things that may be driving a wedge into your future maybe you need to plan an opportunity for open communication. Look for the right time to talk it out and hopefully realize that what’s bothering him can be worked out beneficially for both of you. I truly believe that poor communication is the bane of mankind, and if you are smart and alert enough to realize it early on, you can stop the downward spiral of your relationship. Here are 5 of the signs you should be aware of:

The 40 Year Old Virgin

1) Usually, after the early passion cools off a bit, he becomes more relaxed. By that I mean, many men don’t pay as much attention to you and go back to their old habits. He watches his games on TV while swigging a beer, neglecting you while he invites his buddies over for a hectic session of video games. It seems that only a few short months ago it was all about you, and now the boys, (and I do mean boys), are at your place wearing their baseball caps backwards, dropping popcorn and chips on and in the carpet. Suddenly you find yourself as a visitor to his old pre-you world. You can handle this situation. It is not sneaky, it’s right there in front of you and you can and should discuss it. Use your wily, feminine, sexy ways to suck him back into a more affectionate, romantic togetherness, just like the one you shared before. The problem will arise if he suddenly decides to go on a crash diet, work out with a trainer, get into longer distance running, all to make his body more appealing, usually to impress other women. It’s healthier for him, but it could signal that he is interested in looking for a new plaything. Keep your eyes and vibes on full alert.

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2) Read his “Tells.” Although I could call it body language, I prefer calling them tells. If you have ever watched a championship Poker tournament on TV, you’d notice that the players are usually wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap. It keeps opponents from looking into their eyes or how they may nervously touch their head. We’ve heard that the eyes are the window to the soul and lots of tics are subconscious touches to the top of the head. You can do it also with your guy. I’ll give you a few standard psychological   indicators, but you have to pay attention to them and what else you may perceive in order to detect lying or misdirection. Two lame signs of affection are tells that things are changing. If he half-hugs you (instead of full body or around both shoulders), or he pats you on the back during a hug it is an indication that he is distancing himself from you and your togetherness. Also, if you catch him looking up and to the left while he is showering you with “love talk” odds are he is not being truthful. Not looking in your eyes and looking to the “creative” side of the brain, where new thoughts are developed, will enable you to see his lie and he doesn’t know he is doing it and getting caught. Pay close attention, if you know he is telling a fib, look at all he is doing at the time; Is he looking away? Does his voice change? Is he rolling his ring around his finger with his thumb? Are there any other changes during a regular habit or routine? If so, you’ll know the secret to his level of honesty.

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3) Suddenly you are a committee. What happened to alone time? He has asked or invited without asking you, a few or few dozen friends along when you should be alone on a date. He could be telling you you’re boring and he needs others along to provide more interest or fun. If it’s early in your relationship he may be saying I’d rather be in a group than on a date with you but didn’t have the guts to discuss it. Another painful indicator is if he flirts with any of the other women from the group while he is supposedly on this date with you. As I mentioned before, it’s time to talk it out. Maybe he just wants to show you off to a group of his friends, but it’s a weird way to do it especially if he really does care for you, and he doesn’t tell you the reason WHY he wants the group togetherness.

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4) He used to call several times a day, now he doesn’t answer many of your calls. Hmmmm. What’s going on here? From almost a pest to the invisible man. Now he doesn’t answer your e-mail until the next day, when he used to text you back in 10 seconds? HMMMM. Has he cancelled any dates recently because he is busy at work? Has he made excuses to not talk about what you preface as important issues to discuss? When you are with him does he have mysterious calls and says wrong number or you catch him whispering sneakily into a cupped phone? Have you recently walked in on him and he slams his laptop down so you don’t see the screen or hear the audio? I know, you would be long gone out of his life well before most of these things happened. But I’m taking artistic license and driving home a point. If you are being worn down by a hundred little taps to your noggin, it’s time to force the sit-down before the big roundhouse right levels you and the relationship.

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5) He has become a cranky pain-in-the-ass. He rolls his eyes, is overly critical about you or what you hold dear, snaps to a negative judgment before hearing the facts, and seems to always be looking for a fight. It may already have gone too far to reclaim. You rationalized most of his behavior; a) Because you love him, b) Most couples have occasional problems, c) Maybe he’s having his period, and maybe it’s a mid-life crisis or finally, d) You are delusional. Many men cannot face the conversation required to work things out. They feel it will be confrontational and so rather than have to talk they revert into a stubborn, pouting 3 year old who folds his arms and acts out. Good luck with your meeting. Hope it works out for you, you deserve better and the next guy will be nice. Just remember, love is supposed to be enjoyable. O.K. ladies it’s time to open up and tell me about your previous relationship with a petulant man-child from your past, and how the heart-to-heart discussion worked out. Folks, I love to write and just LOVE to write for YOU.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Website:      stophatingdating.com

You can also find me at :

http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick     or     http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick