Your Boyfriend’s Back…..Now What?

Labeling is terrible. In my humble opinion, to call a trend, an event, a happening, a misnomer, ( like the Dow IS the Stock Market, NO!, it’s just 30 stocks out of hundreds), a usual occurrence, or any other unnamed situation by a “cast in stone” name is laziness on the part of Journalists or unaware people.


For example, when men have never married well into middle age, the common labels referring to them is “unemotionally unavailable, or having a “fear of commitment.” Here’s one of the rare areas where women get a break usually reserved for men. If a woman has never married or stayed single well into middle age, they are said to have a good list of excellent reasons not to get married. Here are just a few examples:


1) They are still recovering from the awful effects of a long term break-up.

2)  Their busy lifestyle requires lots of travelling.

3)  They are simply focusing on their careers. It’s totally time consuming.

4)  Going through a well deserved “selfish phase.”

5)  Her standards have changed and she can’t find a “perfect man.”

6)  “I just don’t NEED a man.”

Now let’s be fair and give the guys a break. Do you think George Clooney finally “overcame” his “fear of commitment” and no longer feels “Emotionally Unavailable? Nope. I think the REAL answer is because of his lifestyle and high standards he FINALLY has met  “the one.”


Recently sex and relationship expert and author Emily Dubberly said  to women “Life is too short to settle. Although you know you eventually want a relationship, there are times in your life when being single is a much better option.” So why wasn’t this also directed to men? In my personal opinion, I think the basic reason men hesitate about proposing is that he knows way down deep that he not ready, either financially or emotionally. And the other reason is the underrated truism, that he knows that he has not yet met “the one.”


Now that I brought you up to date on the “modern” way to look at couples and marriage, lets go back to the title of this Blog. Heeee’s back and now what? You have to work with me here since we didn’t establish the history of your relationship with him and why it broke up. Did he leave? Did you boot him out? Now that he’s back, what does that mean to you? He’s been calling begging for a second chance or at least an opportunity to re-plead his case. Do you want to try again? If you know for sure that you still feel sorry about hurting him, think long and hard about how you may be hurting yourself if you take back a guy you were convinced, at that time, was totally wrong for you, (if not totally, then wrong enough.)  Maybe he left you and realized HE was wrong when he initiated the break up in a fit of overheated rage. Later when he cooled off, he realized that he really loves you. Did you think you loved him enough to work on getting back together? Do you want to get back with a hot head who can’t control his behavior, or are you a passion freak like in the books and movies? The description of how it happened and the details are yours, and so is the decision. So as the old Ella Fitzgerald “Too Close For Comfort” song lyrics (kinda) goes;” Be wise, be smart, behave my heart, don’t upset the cart, when it’s so close.”

Good Luck and make a wise choice.

I think many of your friends have or will face similar circumstances after a break-up. If you would be kind enough to send this blog to them via your e-mail list, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest or any other Social media you’re into, both they and I will appreciate your effort, and while you’re at it ask if they would do the same to their list of contacts.




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Top 5 Things Guys Want in a Girlfriend

Mensa, the international organization that caters to the top 1% of intelligent people, claims it’s a high I.Q. that guys crave, Forbes says it’s a nice, round, firm curvy nest egg, Playboy, well we have the pictures for proof, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, the two Jimmy’s; Kimmel and Fallon, and of course Dave Lettermen all claim THEY need a partner with a good sense of humor and to be able to say up late, Dr. Phil says it goes deeper, much deeper, Lance Armstrong probably would want someone who will go for a bike ride, a looooog, fast, drug aided, bike ride, and finally sex maniacs are probably in need of a partner with similar energy and drive. Just the way there are different groups with their specific preferences, there are also many different types of men who have dissimilar parameters. To further complicate the issue, if you asked men to make a list of the top things a woman MUST possess, plus the things a woman SHOULD have, and finally the things that would be NICE to have, you might need lots of paper. Now we arrive at the list of deal-breakers. I don’t want to overly complicate this issue by suggesting you put a numerical amount next to each of the listed plusses and minuses, it would be overkill. So how you decide if she is for you? How about narrowing your search down to the top 5 things that mean the most to you. Here’s what my research has revealed about the most common top traits:


1) To most men, way down deep it’s looks, looks, and stunning  looks. In spite of many men telling women that looks are nice, but it’s really not necessary, it’s a fib. When a man looks at a very attractive woman and the voice way down deep inside says in a Barry White baritone voice, “OMG,” the chase has officially begun. After he gets to know her better and some negative personality traits appear, he may either lose interest, or continue to pursue her if the other things are easy to accept. But if the looks are not there initially, she may never have the chance for him find out what the whole person is really like. Women are less superficial and more grounded. When it comes to  physical attractiveness it’s rarely #1, a guys ability to offer support and stability moves him to the top of most woman’s lists.


2) A “Cold Fish” is usually a deal breaker. Many men are touchy feely, a hug, a kiss, an ass grab are all needed to keep the lust alive. Yes many men are crude, they just want to jump into bed, and Wham, Bam, thank you Ma’am. He just comes and goes. If she has the guts to tell him to slow down because she needs more sensuality and patience and says,” WE have a sex problem, he replies, “Waddya mean We? People change, if she loses the tactile sensual feelings he loved at the start of their “romance,” he just may opt to look elsewhere.


3) She has to be calm, honest, and patient. Some men love drama queens. I guess they feel that it makes the passion greater than in a conventional relationship. But count me out! I could never be involved with an out of control person who yells, screams and throws things at the drop of a hat.  Say for example, she walks in on you and your young, beautiful mistress. She starts bellowing like a banshee throwing everything at you that’s not nailed down. Is that anyway to behave? Surely not. She should sit down in bed next to you and introduce herself to your young lady friend. Then calmly ask a couple of friendly questions like, “How old are you bitch?”, “Where do you go to high school?” and “Try to guess whether I am going to kill him or both of you.” See what I mean? Calm, in control,  no raising of her voice, and doesn’t fret over the small things. I need a woman who is a good communicator, who doesn’t make me guess as if I were a mind reader.


4) I want to be loved for me not what I can provide financially. This could be a tough one. If you are blessed with having assets that enable you to enjoy a very comfortable life, you may always have that nagging feeling that she is looking at you as a Sugar Daddy, not the love of her life that she frequently calls you. Very often, the rich older guys with the much younger arm candy, are so happy with the relationship, that they don’t have to delude themselves into believing that she really does love him. But the comfortable one who wants her to love Him, want Him, need Him, may never truly know the depth of her love. She just may be a hell of an actress.  Many rich men are looking for an authentic relationship, yet can’t rest because they’re always on the search for proof that she doesn’t care as much as she claims.


5) She has to get “it” in order to get me. A true sense of humor is critical for me to have closure for my relationship to thrive and survive. During my dozen single years, while searching dating sites, it seemed like everyone claimed to have a “great” sense of humor. There were some obvious clues in the way it was stated on their profile that made me realize it’s was not accurate. “I’m humorous, I like jokes, I enjoy laughing,” are pretty much dead giveaways. No comedian ever called themselves humorous. I also feel that you can’t truly be funny unless you are also intelligent. Those two factors are at the top of my list. Saturday evening, Sheila and I celebrated our second year together. I can honestly say that I have laughed more these last two years than ever in my lifetime. Lucky me, she has all five factors that make me so incredibly happy.

photo sheila martyvintage

Tell me about your list and process for determining what is necessary for you to be happy. Love to hear from you.

I love to write, and I LOVE to write for YOU!




Please visit my website at www.stophatingdating

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Are You The Type Of Woman That Men Go For?


Ahhhh! Those awful preconceived notions of the “perfect” woman, or should I say the Playboy image of the perfect woman. Big breasted, small waisted, long-legged, and unfortunately not candidates for Jeopardy, fits the mold of what has been tantalizingly tempting men since the 1950’s. Women have fought back hard and gained respect being different from the so called norm.

So how have women changed?  The good news is that there are no so called “norms” any longer. I’m going to concentrate only on 5 different types or groups of women. All very different; one group has to do with smarts, another is attitude, these gals are never boring, a third is slightly older but often much wiser, the fourth is the one who has learned what men like and how to manage (control?) them by using her feminine wiles and finally, the group that surprisingly seems to be the best “closers” and get the pick of the litter.  Now that I’ve piqued your curiosity, let’s meet these ladies.


1)   The Brainy Babe. I think smart is sexy, in fact, very sexy. The three things I looked for in a woman during my decade of dating, were tied for first place at the top of my list; Smart, Funny and Nice. Nice happens to be my favorite four letter word. I learned it from my son when he was 15. He was “going steady” with a neighbor’s daughter, and my ex-wife and I both thought it would be better for the “kids” to be just friends, not dating. Being exclusive, at that age, seemed to be rushing the romance way too quickly. So I spoke with him and asked what he liked most about her. He said it was a four letter word. My mind did flip-flops wondering what four letter word he was going to shock me with, but of course I’ve already told you, he said she was the “nicest person” he has ever known. “In fact, we can talk about everything and I think she would kill to protect me. But if you’re concerned, we have set limits on our intimacy, and have had this same conversation with her parents, so don’t worry.” I fell in love with the word NICE. It is especially appropriate today, with so many inconsiderate people all around us. I’m stimulated by smart people. I know many men who are intimidated by intelligent women. I don’t know whether they have a fragile ego or an insecurity problem, but for me, intelligence is what’s necessary to be able to really fall in love. Of course, funny is funny. It’s just a strong need of mine to have a partner with a great sense of humor. Laughing together is fabulous.


2)   The Spontaneous, Creative, Free Spirit. With her it’s never boring. She loves different. She takes you along, marching to a different drummer, hers. You’ll see sunrises and sunsets, you didn’t even know such beauty in nature existed. You will go to and see more beauty in Museums that you never envisioned. The same for movies, music, friends, and very often, her use of incredible lateral thinking. Many times you’ll remember saying “I never even thought of that, or looked at it that way.”  Her spontaneity will never cease to amaze you. Her unique take on faith will possibly be the most interesting thoughts on this complicated subject you ever heard. Many men who have the guts to fall for a free spirit, are often rewarded with an explosion of personal creativity they never believed was possible, especially after having lived their formal, routine, uptight, boring lives. She often helps him discover the new more romantic, creative side he never knew he possessed.


3)   The Older yet Wiser Woman. Richer doesn’t necessarily mean wiser. It seems that old boys with their toys are not only challenging the balance of nature, they are often embarrassing themselves attempting to keep up with girls who could be their granddaughters. Hello, Hef. Men reach their sexual peaks from 18 to 24, women from 28 to 34, so in order to properly satisfy their raging loins, younger men should be with women about 10 years older. Can anybody tell me who created this great eternal plan and why? When you explore the entire situation, it makes sense and is good for all age groups. There are still the majority of couples, both young and old who are together, that are close in age, but let’s continue exploring the others. Young girls, too immature and inexperienced to be great moms yet, should allow older men to teach them worldly ways before being in the family way. She should travel to wonderful, far away places she would normally miss as a young mom. The old guy has his fantasy world and she is taking, traveling and learning. That leaves younger men and older women who have been left behind. This situation also works out well for them. She will have the young strong, hard, lover she needs to satisfy her raging sexual needs and he is learning to be a gentleman and a great lover, while they also travel the world using the money the old guy left her, so he could be with the teenager.


4)   The Sexy Lady who Knows How to Use IT. The turning point for me was my last year in college. I lived in the Fraternity house and women were not permitted to go upstairs. Even grandmas, aunts, or much older, or much younger sisters had to use the down stairs restroom and not permitted to go visit the upstairs bedrooms. The following year, in 1960 when I graduated, rules were miraculously changed so women were allowed to not only go upstairs, but they were sharing bedrooms and bathrooms. Historically women would never call a man for a date; they rarely ever tried to pick-up a man, and hardly ever told dirty jokes. Nowadays there is gender equality. Men and women talk about sex and have no problem picking up a one-night stand with zero remorse, (unless the sex is bad). Sure, there are still some old-fashioned, young women waiting at home to be asked out on a date.  But because the others are out fooling around, it makes it easy for guys not to pay to go out on a date, or even commit to a relationship, when the sex is readily available. However, I think the tide may be turning. I’ve spoken to a few women in their 20’s and they appreciate their equality and freedom, but the “Friends with benefits” arrangements are not lasting beyond a couple of months, and they are secretly looking for their soul mate and to get into a serious relationship.


5)   Plain Jane’s with all the “Hot Guys.” Did you ever go to a party and see a group of cool, ”hot” guys hanging around and laughing with a plain Jane type? She’s learned to love sports, action games and movies, so it’s easy to be one of the boys. She speaks their language. What happens when a man in a restaurant accidentally wanders into a ladies room? You can hear the shrieking all the way out to the car Valet. But if a women happens to wander into a men’s room, “Hi honey, come on in, nice to see you, can I get you something?” What is wrong with this picture? At least men have something to see and hopefully hide. But the gal I was referring to before, is the one who would give the same greeting to the guy who came into the ladies room. She is cool and comfortable with the guys. Just one of the boys. But she knows something they don’t. She knows how to read them. She has figured out the “secret” how to reach men. She knows the three kinds of men and how to listen to them, understand them, and approach them in their most comfortable language. This secret technique is explained in detail in my book. The e-book version was released for sale yesterday. If you would like to read it, it’s now available on my new Website www.stophatingdating and please let me know your thoughts.

Guys, now I need some input from you. Please write and tell me what type of woman you prefer. Ladies, which of the above categories do you think you fall into and how is it going? I would love to create a dialogue using your comments, but I need you to submit them and any questions you many have.

I Love to write and I LOVE to write for YOU.




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