He Said “I Love You” Daily, Then He Left. Know Why?

 

I wasn’t there to observe both of you during your relationship, so I can’t positively say I know for sure why he left. But I have a pretty good Idea why.  Men suffer from a variety of maladies when it comes to making and keeping a commitment; some get cold feet, some met and test drove the latest “model,” others couldn’t stand the constant nagging, (I heard you just say not me, good for you, happy to hear you’re not a nagger), and some are guys that are just not cut out for permanency, because way down deep they are Emotionally Unavailable.

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Before we get into the why? and other questions, let’s take a look at the “good ones.” Scot  McKay of X & Y Communications, is a successful professional Dating Coach who has invited me to be interviewed on his Radio show this coming Tuesday June 3rd. I think he is super. Check him out on You Tube, where he discusses the following Four things a woman wants from a man;

1) Masculinity- A man who is not afraid to make decisions. Someone who is happy to get involved and discuss options with you. Not afraid to compromise. Someone who exudes confidence without super ego or bragging.

2) Ambition- A man who has a plan, strives and works hard towards a realistic goal.

3) Security- All women want a man that makes her feel safe. If there is a noise downstairs in the middle of the night you are sure he will take care of it.

4) She KNOWS he loves her and would never leave or cheat. TOTAL TRUST.

INTERROGATIVE

Use the big 6 to figure it out;  Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Now getting back to why he left, there are six questions for you to answer:

WHO? may have influenced him to change his mind? A friend? a relative?

WHAT? specific event made him upset enough to change his attitude towards you, at least for a while, while he “cooled off.” Which means reviewing your relationship.

WHEN did it happen? Try to recall what event(s) led up to it and what specific communication (or lack thereof), happened right after.

WHERE did he go,? either with or without you, that a Significant Emotional Experience( S.E.E.) might have happened that could have turned him against you.

WHY did it happen? Could it have been the frequency and intensity of the intimacy between you. Did you have insightful thoughts at the time (you know, the ones without excuses or rationalization), that there is something missing in the bedroom? Did you discuss it with him? Did you pay attention to what he said? Did you try to be sexier or try new things to awaken his lagging libido? Be honest!

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HOW did it happen? Did he follow the script of those lying asses who tell you they “Love you” on Monday, “Crazy about you” on Tuesday, “Adore being with you” on Wednesday, “Can’t live with out you” on Thursday and Friday he says “I’m leaving, I can’t take it any longer, it’s over, I’m outta here, and poof, he’s gone.

It’s Time to be Honest and Figure it out.

After you review the situation you think up several reasons; I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m totally fault free (It’s the normal knee jerk first reaction to the blame game), or he was really schizophrenic all along and I guess I didn’t see it, or I did see it and rationalized it away, or I guess I do have some fault because I didn’t notice all his gradual changes, and finally, I should have known it was an impossible challenge from the beginning because no other women has made him stay in a committed relationship, he obviously is “Emotionally Unavailable.”

A Bachelors Life

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The well known so called “life long” bachelors like Derek Jeter of the N.Y. Yankees, Warren Beatty who didn’t wed until he was 55, Jack Nicholson, still dating now into his late 70’s and George Clooney, now 52 and recently engaged, have/had been single for so long that anything short of saying “I Do” showed a lack of commitment.  I think there comes a time when even the ones that claim that they will never marry (like Clooney), eventually find the Soul Mate they have been having tryouts for over decades, or are just getting older and tired of the dating rat race.

Bachelorettes Turn

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Famous women who have never walked down the aisle include; Oprah Winfrey, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn (although she has been in a committed relationship for over 30 years), legendary actress Katherine Hepburn, Winona Ryder, Condoleezza Rice and Cameron Diaz, just to name a few, have never been accused of being Emotionally Unavailable, nor do others say these woman have a fear of commitment, they gossip that they are either; bad closers, lesbians, bi-sexual or just don’t want or need an immature man-boy to help bring up to manhood with it’s time consuming inherent responsibilities. Today woman are focused on their careers, the joy of travelling alone or with friends, actively choosing to stay single. They are not like their Grandmothers and  Mothers who worked and worried full time at the business of landing a man. These young independent women feel life is too short too just settle. Many young women now feel as their standards are elevating, and after viewing the plague of immaturity and irresponsibility of men (boys) their age, today they are better off staying single. They know they will want a relationship eventually, but not right now. The average of age of newlywed women has moved up to 28 (the highest ever).

So, in summary, I’ve given you clues to look for, behavior to examine and especially to pay ever-so-close attention to intimate passion and intensity, sincerity and true, honest caring, communications to help you learn how to KEEP your Soul Mate.

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Thank you so much for reading my blog. I wonder if you will do me and your friends a favor. If you would be kind enough to share this Blog with your e-Mail friends, your Face book friends, Twitter followers and on other Social Media Networks you belong to. Your single friends, or ones who know singles, will certainly appreciate you for enabling them to learn how to KEEP their Soul Mates.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also contact me at:   http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick    or

http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

or my website     www.stophatingdating.com

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Is it Worth Rescuing Your Relationship?

It could be as wide spread as turning around a first date that has lost it’s chance for a good first impression, all the way to a boring 50+ year long marriage, if you both care to rescue it, it can be done. O.K. now you can take a deep breath. Don’t you just hate those looong sentences? Sometimes I wish that I could write like one of my literary hero’s, Ernest Hemingway. I enjoyed his economical and unadorned style of writing. He wrote some of the greatest novels of all time; “The Sun Also Rises”, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, “A Farewell to Arms” and a “special” favorite of mine which I read at 13, “The Old Man And The Sea”, (notice that even in his 6 word title, no word is longer than three letters.)

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“Fish, he said, I have love and respect you very much. But I will kill you dead before this day ends.” So pure, so simple, so direct, so different than others authors that bored me with their lengthy descriptions. James Michener once took three pages to describe a tree. Perhaps I’m exaggerating a tad, but you get the embellishment idea.

My apology Ernie, but today I have to be a little more detailed, verbose and effusive describing todays complicated subject matter. Try to visualize these 8 relationship problem areas while also thinking about how you would be going about fixing your own (if any apply).

The Top 8 In No Special Order

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1)  Who made up these Rules? I call them readily accepted truisms, but where is it written that these are the OFFICIAL RULES. a) When dating, women should expect to go to bed on the third date. Really? What if she’s not ready? I’m going to take a guess here…this RULE was made up by men. b) What about the 7 year itch? It seems to be common knowledge that one partner, (usually the man), will stray after six years of fidelity, (especially if it was with Marilyn Monroe). c) Here’s one I recently heard about called the “15 year immunity clause,” that means if you can make the marriage last 15 years, it will last until “death do us part.” It didn’t work for me, twice. I wonder what the facts really are.

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2)  Problems communicating. Guys usually don’t like small talk. They also don’t pour out their heart to a close buddy. Women are different. Most women I know can’t get their guy to talk about their problems, so they have a close trusted friend to pour her heart out to. I think it’s critical for the salvation of the relationship that she has to convince him to at least “start to talk about us.” That’s usually when you hear those oft said words from him, “I didn’t know you felt that way, how come you never told me,” DUH?

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3)  Intimacy awareness. He’s ready, she’s not. He’s angry at her unwillingness to do her “womanly duties” to make him happy. She can’t understand why he is such an “animal,” and can’t comprehend that she’s tired, not feeling well and not in the mood for another wham! bam! thank you mam! ZZZZzzzz.  It’s really so simple to work out. Just be honest and accept your partners excuses. If they are not interested in sex at that moment, maybe they will tomorrow, discuss it then. No emotion needed, just open, honest communication. Sounds easy right?

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4)  Compromise. That’s a key word in a relationship. When you’re single you do what you want to do, unless a friend talks you out of it. However when you are together and you determine that she wants her choice at a seemingly 90% level and you want yours at about 30% degree of desire, just read her correctly and be wise to give in. Maybe you’ll “win” the next time. You can try to keep score if you like, and if you feel she is getting her way a disproportionate percentage of the time, then discuss it civilly. I had that situation once. She was very frequently demonstrative and emotional about seeing her choice of movie NOW. I really didn’t care that much, so I always deferred, until I was anxious to see my movie, so we discussed it, and I won. She didn’t like the headlock I put her in then pinning her down with my knees on her arms and counting her out, it surprisingly made her a tad cranky. But sometimes you have to assert yourself. As my Pappy used to say “Don’t let them crap on your head, Open your mouth.” YUCK. Please don’t take that literally.

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5)  The truth will set you free. When I stopped lying my life totally changed. Since I was getting older and more forgetful, I was also forgetting my lies. I called them all little white lies so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt, but some lies were beyond little and white. If you pay attention to politics and the media, people who get caught lying are usually in much more trouble than those who admit it and get it over with.  Hiding the truth about ones inability to stop shopping continuously building up credit card debt will be a huge problem when it is revealed. Also concealing baggage (secrets) about; former family members, friends, older children, exes, business relationships, and legal problems could cause huge often unresolvable predicaments.

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6)  Shy or sly in bed can make you cry. Even if you’re not really in the mood, I suggest cuddling. The simple act of togetherness or just touching body parts can create a surprising sense of sexual intimacy. If you are a women, you know it takes a while to get interested (turned on), so initiate the closeness yourself, it just may turn into something delicious. As you realize, you must go very slowly at first. If he senses you’re horny and ready, he’ll pop a woodie and jump you well before you are ready. Try to slip him a Valium instead of his normal Viagra.

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7)  Nothing is perfect. Especially us as incredibly diverse human beings. If you make up a list of what you want/need in a mate, you may be disappointed that the list of physical attributes can’t overcome some disturbing emotional malfunctioning. So you really have to re-think your physical perfection list, and add important personality requirements that  should zoom up to the top of your list. Here are a few four letter words to add; Good, nice, kind, wise, talk, care, and the most important one…someone who can truly LOVE.

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8)  Keeping the romance alive. In the beginning it was amazing. Charisma at first sight, followed by Fireworks! Sparks! and Explosions!  They couldn’t keep their hand off each other, even in public. He wanted sex hourly. She had a big smile on her face but was tired, worn out, but she only felt complete and fulfilled when he was inside of her. Gradually old man time with his cohorts; boredom and routine took over. Now, even though she’ll never initiate anything sexual because of the fear of being rejected, she still misses the lovemaking. He seems bored, distracted and into beer, sports, porn and those challenging video games with his buddies. He has to start over to rekindle the romance. Start saying complimentary things, hug her whenever you see her, tell her how happy you are with her and start doing the physical things to rekindle the flame. The initial lust may be gone, but that doesn’t mean you must drop off to zero. He will find out that by improving his lovingly affectionate actions, the romance, love and sex will come back. When you love each other, keep working, (it’s really more pleasure than work) to keep the romance alive. It will pay off in incredible emotional and physical rewards. Just make dates to do fun or romantic things the way you did when you were active lovers.

I hope my words will stimulate you to stimulate your mate. Be kind, be thoughtful, be talkative and I know the love you once had, will have a greatly renewed chance to be revived.

I love to write and I LOVE to write for YOU.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also find me at http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick

or http://www.facebook.com/101WaystoStopHatingDating

or http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

 

 

 

Top 5 Things Guys Want in a Girlfriend

Mensa, the international organization that caters to the top 1% of intelligent people, claims it’s a high I.Q. that guys crave, Forbes says it’s a nice, round, firm curvy nest egg, Playboy, well we have the pictures for proof, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, the two Jimmy’s; Kimmel and Fallon, and of course Dave Lettermen all claim THEY need a partner with a good sense of humor and to be able to say up late, Dr. Phil says it goes deeper, much deeper, Lance Armstrong probably would want someone who will go for a bike ride, a looooog, fast, drug aided, bike ride, and finally sex maniacs are probably in need of a partner with similar energy and drive. Just the way there are different groups with their specific preferences, there are also many different types of men who have dissimilar parameters. To further complicate the issue, if you asked men to make a list of the top things a woman MUST possess, plus the things a woman SHOULD have, and finally the things that would be NICE to have, you might need lots of paper. Now we arrive at the list of deal-breakers. I don’t want to overly complicate this issue by suggesting you put a numerical amount next to each of the listed plusses and minuses, it would be overkill. So how you decide if she is for you? How about narrowing your search down to the top 5 things that mean the most to you. Here’s what my research has revealed about the most common top traits:

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1) To most men, way down deep it’s looks, looks, and stunning  looks. In spite of many men telling women that looks are nice, but it’s really not necessary, it’s a fib. When a man looks at a very attractive woman and the voice way down deep inside says in a Barry White baritone voice, “OMG,” the chase has officially begun. After he gets to know her better and some negative personality traits appear, he may either lose interest, or continue to pursue her if the other things are easy to accept. But if the looks are not there initially, she may never have the chance for him find out what the whole person is really like. Women are less superficial and more grounded. When it comes to  physical attractiveness it’s rarely #1, a guys ability to offer support and stability moves him to the top of most woman’s lists.

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2) A “Cold Fish” is usually a deal breaker. Many men are touchy feely, a hug, a kiss, an ass grab are all needed to keep the lust alive. Yes many men are crude, they just want to jump into bed, and Wham, Bam, thank you Ma’am. He just comes and goes. If she has the guts to tell him to slow down because she needs more sensuality and patience and says,” WE have a sex problem, he replies, “Waddya mean We? People change, if she loses the tactile sensual feelings he loved at the start of their “romance,” he just may opt to look elsewhere.

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3) She has to be calm, honest, and patient. Some men love drama queens. I guess they feel that it makes the passion greater than in a conventional relationship. But count me out! I could never be involved with an out of control person who yells, screams and throws things at the drop of a hat.  Say for example, she walks in on you and your young, beautiful mistress. She starts bellowing like a banshee throwing everything at you that’s not nailed down. Is that anyway to behave? Surely not. She should sit down in bed next to you and introduce herself to your young lady friend. Then calmly ask a couple of friendly questions like, “How old are you bitch?”, “Where do you go to high school?” and “Try to guess whether I am going to kill him or both of you.” See what I mean? Calm, in control,  no raising of her voice, and doesn’t fret over the small things. I need a woman who is a good communicator, who doesn’t make me guess as if I were a mind reader.

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4) I want to be loved for me not what I can provide financially. This could be a tough one. If you are blessed with having assets that enable you to enjoy a very comfortable life, you may always have that nagging feeling that she is looking at you as a Sugar Daddy, not the love of her life that she frequently calls you. Very often, the rich older guys with the much younger arm candy, are so happy with the relationship, that they don’t have to delude themselves into believing that she really does love him. But the comfortable one who wants her to love Him, want Him, need Him, may never truly know the depth of her love. She just may be a hell of an actress.  Many rich men are looking for an authentic relationship, yet can’t rest because they’re always on the search for proof that she doesn’t care as much as she claims.

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5) She has to get “it” in order to get me. A true sense of humor is critical for me to have closure for my relationship to thrive and survive. During my dozen single years, while searching dating sites, it seemed like everyone claimed to have a “great” sense of humor. There were some obvious clues in the way it was stated on their profile that made me realize it’s was not accurate. “I’m humorous, I like jokes, I enjoy laughing,” are pretty much dead giveaways. No comedian ever called themselves humorous. I also feel that you can’t truly be funny unless you are also intelligent. Those two factors are at the top of my list. Saturday evening, Sheila and I celebrated our second year together. I can honestly say that I have laughed more these last two years than ever in my lifetime. Lucky me, she has all five factors that make me so incredibly happy.

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Tell me about your list and process for determining what is necessary for you to be happy. Love to hear from you.

I love to write, and I LOVE to write for YOU!

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Please visit my website at www.stophatingdating

You can also contact me at:

www.twitter.com/martysavarick   and   www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating