Your Boyfriend’s Back…..Now What?

Labeling is terrible. In my humble opinion, to call a trend, an event, a happening, a misnomer, ( like the Dow IS the Stock Market, NO!, it’s just 30 stocks out of hundreds), a usual occurrence, or any other unnamed situation by a “cast in stone” name is laziness on the part of Journalists or unaware people.

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For example, when men have never married well into middle age, the common labels referring to them is “unemotionally unavailable, or having a “fear of commitment.” Here’s one of the rare areas where women get a break usually reserved for men. If a woman has never married or stayed single well into middle age, they are said to have a good list of excellent reasons not to get married. Here are just a few examples:

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1) They are still recovering from the awful effects of a long term break-up.

2)  Their busy lifestyle requires lots of travelling.

3)  They are simply focusing on their careers. It’s totally time consuming.

4)  Going through a well deserved “selfish phase.”

5)  Her standards have changed and she can’t find a “perfect man.”

6)  “I just don’t NEED a man.”

Now let’s be fair and give the guys a break. Do you think George Clooney finally “overcame” his “fear of commitment” and no longer feels “Emotionally Unavailable? Nope. I think the REAL answer is because of his lifestyle and high standards he FINALLY has met  “the one.”

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Recently sex and relationship expert and author Emily Dubberly said  to women “Life is too short to settle. Although you know you eventually want a relationship, there are times in your life when being single is a much better option.” So why wasn’t this also directed to men? In my personal opinion, I think the basic reason men hesitate about proposing is that he knows way down deep that he not ready, either financially or emotionally. And the other reason is the underrated truism, that he knows that he has not yet met “the one.”

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Now that I brought you up to date on the “modern” way to look at couples and marriage, lets go back to the title of this Blog. Heeee’s back and now what? You have to work with me here since we didn’t establish the history of your relationship with him and why it broke up. Did he leave? Did you boot him out? Now that he’s back, what does that mean to you? He’s been calling begging for a second chance or at least an opportunity to re-plead his case. Do you want to try again? If you know for sure that you still feel sorry about hurting him, think long and hard about how you may be hurting yourself if you take back a guy you were convinced, at that time, was totally wrong for you, (if not totally, then wrong enough.)  Maybe he left you and realized HE was wrong when he initiated the break up in a fit of overheated rage. Later when he cooled off, he realized that he really loves you. Did you think you loved him enough to work on getting back together? Do you want to get back with a hot head who can’t control his behavior, or are you a passion freak like in the books and movies? The description of how it happened and the details are yours, and so is the decision. So as the old Ella Fitzgerald “Too Close For Comfort” song lyrics (kinda) goes;” Be wise, be smart, behave my heart, don’t upset the cart, when it’s so close.”

Good Luck and make a wise choice.

I think many of your friends have or will face similar circumstances after a break-up. If you would be kind enough to send this blog to them via your e-mail list, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest or any other Social media you’re into, both they and I will appreciate your effort, and while you’re at it ask if they would do the same to their list of contacts.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also find me on my webpage   stophatingdating.com  or

http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick   or   http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

 

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The Big Lie and the Gullible Who? Might that be You?

What a wonderful, interesting weekend we just had. Most of the days of our lives, we’re just passing thru. Our days are replicas of most other boring, routine days, kinda reminding me of the classic Bill Murray film “Groundhog Day.” But this past extended weekend, starting with Friday evening and up to right now as I’m writing this latest Blog, we enjoyed a group of exciting experiences.

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It began innocently enough with a dinner date with another couple who we’ve known as neighbors for a long while, but no one ever took the initiative to ask the other couple to get together socially. I knew from a few conversations that he was a nice guy and people said she was funny.  Well, funny is not the word, I’d prefer calling her hysterical. Use your imagination and create a comedy mix of Ellen DeGeneres, John Rivers, and Chelsea Handler. She told stories that had us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. We had such a good time that I wrote to her later that evening and addressed her as my “Twin sister from another mother in another decade.”

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Another wonderful experience was watching Billy Crystals “700 Sundays” on HBO. I cannot ever remember so many moments of laughter mixed in with tears as Billy related his family life, then sadly losing his beloved father when Billy was only 15.

The Cinema Society & The New Yorker Host The After Party For "In The Loop"

Saturday evening we had a lovely romantic dinner at home and watched the film “A Civil Action,” a legal drama starring John Travolta with an amazing supporting role played by the late, great James Gandolfini.

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Sunday morning we visited a new Asian massage place for the first time that specializes in foot massage. The whole experience takes 45 minutes. They start you with a neck and upper back massage and follow by a half hour of the most incredible foot massage (Reflexology). We booked again for next weekend and another Wow experience.

Last night I looked up some interesting people on Twitter, and recall a very intriguing comment. One woman posted; “It’s kinda messed up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides never to talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they make it look so easy.” Now this morning, while reading my local paper I noticed a nationwide advice column called Ask Amy, that featured this headline, ” Woman confused by a change of heart.” The guy simply left her for no apparent reason.

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Hmmmm. Something very strange, yet quite familiar, is going on here. It appears that there are many heartbroken women in the same boat. Some of these bums drag women along for an interminable time with their latest version of the big lie.”I love you and I swear we will be together.” The ones in a relationship that choose to leave are not such good liars or actors, so they leave in the middle of the night, so to speak. The ones that wait for the light of day are the slightly  “braver” ones, but that doesn’t mean they will ever tell WHY, they left. Sadly there are many stories of women under the spell of those actor-liars who string their girlfriends along, delusionally wasting the best years of their lives.

Why does it also happen to the ones who have been in a long term illicit relationship? They have been leaving their wives forever, but not quite yet. Why do so many women take so long to notice his “tells” or conflicting indicators, often unbelievable stories and negative body language. Here are a group of comments that may be all or part of the answer, and why she is in the position she’s in;

a) “I love him, I have unbreakable faith that he will be mine someday.”

b)  “I know he loves me and he has this/these big problem(s) to overcome.”

c) “I know he tells me some little white lies, but that’s to protect me from some bad news.”

d) “My close friends and family know about us and don’t like him, but they are all wrong.”

e)  “I’ve waited so long, a few more (days, weeks, months, etc.), will be worth the wait.”

f) “I believe in the power of prayer.”

g)  “So what if he looks at and flirts with other women, boys will be boys.”

h) No matter how long I’ve waited for him, it only feels like a very short time since his last excuse.

I)  “I just know he is the man for me and I refuse to cheat on him and our love because I know that if I do, I will live to regret it.”

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Without knowing all your details, it is impossible for me to tell you exactly what to do. It’s easy to pull a Dr. Phil and solve your problem in 22 minutes, less commercials, but this is a serious matter, not a TV show. Just for me to call names, “He is a LIAR and you my dear, are a FOOL,” will not solve your situation.

I have combined two types of heartbreakers together, so let’s solve one at a time. As far as the guy who tells you he loves you on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and says I’m leaving on Friday, unfortunately you may never find out why he left. I’m sure you would love to know why for several reasons; curiosity, if there was someone else, or perhaps a habit or behavior or yours that he couldn’t deal with any longer. The most positive reason to know why, is because there may be something there that you can choose to change about yourself. I’m sure you would like to know what about you this guy hates, in order to see if it’s worthwhile trying to change because the next guy(s) might be bothered by the same thing. Here are some of the kinder reasons why he might say he had to leave;

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a) “It’s not you, it’s me.” George Costanza in Seinfeld thought it up, or so he thought.

b) “I just need more space.”

c) “I just need to be on my own right now to better deal with my problems.”

d) “I’m just not ready now for a committed relationship.”

e) “You must have known that I haven’t been happy for a while.”

f) “I don’t deserve you.”

Those that say nothing and leave, if pressed, might say something nasty just to inflict pain or to get revenge for some unspoken incident. Be careful what you wish for;

a) “I’ve met someone else.”

b) “I’m not in love with you.”

c) “I never was in love with you, I tried, but it never happened.”

d) “You have too many annoying habits for me to deal with.”

The other guy is the one who can’t pull the trigger by getting his divorce finalized, (so to speak.) He wants to be with you, so he says, but he either can’t make the move to freedom, or he is just using you as a sex toy with no plan for permanence. You are enabling this guy by listening to, and accepting his bull. Don’t continue to be a victim. The choice is yours. Here is what I suggest you do and how you should feel about it;

a) Give him one last deadline. Tell him if he is not free and totally available to you by the deadline, it’s definitely over. Even if you’ve had “deadlines” before, swear that this time it’s for real.

b) After he disappoints you this final time, then break it off, (What a dirty mind. I know what you’re thinking. I mean break the relationship off). No communication between you. (not even to find out about a sick relative.) Zero contact. No “accidental” running into each other, (I know you know his schedule), no calls of any kind, no computer contacts of any kind, no intervening friends to finally bring him to his senses. Nada, zip, nothing. It’s over! You’ve been used and now YOU are in charge.

c) Get on with your life. You’re terrific. Go on dates, lots of dates. Join the top dating sites, get friends to fix you up with “nice” compatible guys. Even if there’s no immediate chemistry, at least you can accumulate a new group of male friends, who also have friends, they too also have other friends, etc.

d) You will survive. Living well is the best revenge.

The death of a close, intimate, loving relationship is painful, and will take some time to totally overcome.You must pull yourself back from the quicksand of the loving memories from the good times and objectively review all of your history together. His ongoing unkept promises, lies, occasional mysterious loss of contact, the volume of times you’ve forgiven him, and now be thankful you’ve made the decision to rescue yourself. No more a victim. Just love yourself and someone truly worthy will deeply love you sooner than you ever thought possible.

Please comment in the space below. I’d love to know what’s on your mind. Have you or any close friends suffered the heartbreak of an unsuspected break-up?

I love to write and LOVE to write for you.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Please visit my website at:  www.stophatingdating.com

or visit at: http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick  or  http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating

or buy the e-book at

http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick

Is He Ready To Dump YOU? Here’s What to Look For

LOVE is in the air. Spring is here. Trees are blooming, birds are singing and we don’t have a care. Oh happy day, say the Hallmark people. So what happens to shock you back to reality? Evil Marty “suggest’ that your guy, the one you love, the same guy you fantasize about spending the rest of your life with, just may be thinking about dumping you.

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What? Break up with ME? We are a couple, and so much in love. But, along with the reality of Spring comes the IRS and tax time. It’s now time for a somber, sober personal relationship audit. Remove your head from the clouds, take a stroll away from your delusional white picket fence, and take a D E E P breath of reality. Those occasional “little” subtle things may be part of a larger problem when you put them all together, and study all the signs.

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The good news, as if being dumped is anything akin to good news, is that if you discover certain things that may be driving a wedge into your future maybe you need to plan an opportunity for open communication. Look for the right time to talk it out and hopefully realize that what’s bothering him can be worked out beneficially for both of you. I truly believe that poor communication is the bane of mankind, and if you are smart and alert enough to realize it early on, you can stop the downward spiral of your relationship. Here are 5 of the signs you should be aware of:

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1) Usually, after the early passion cools off a bit, he becomes more relaxed. By that I mean, many men don’t pay as much attention to you and go back to their old habits. He watches his games on TV while swigging a beer, neglecting you while he invites his buddies over for a hectic session of video games. It seems that only a few short months ago it was all about you, and now the boys, (and I do mean boys), are at your place wearing their baseball caps backwards, dropping popcorn and chips on and in the carpet. Suddenly you find yourself as a visitor to his old pre-you world. You can handle this situation. It is not sneaky, it’s right there in front of you and you can and should discuss it. Use your wily, feminine, sexy ways to suck him back into a more affectionate, romantic togetherness, just like the one you shared before. The problem will arise if he suddenly decides to go on a crash diet, work out with a trainer, get into longer distance running, all to make his body more appealing, usually to impress other women. It’s healthier for him, but it could signal that he is interested in looking for a new plaything. Keep your eyes and vibes on full alert.

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2) Read his “Tells.” Although I could call it body language, I prefer calling them tells. If you have ever watched a championship Poker tournament on TV, you’d notice that the players are usually wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap. It keeps opponents from looking into their eyes or how they may nervously touch their head. We’ve heard that the eyes are the window to the soul and lots of tics are subconscious touches to the top of the head. You can do it also with your guy. I’ll give you a few standard psychological   indicators, but you have to pay attention to them and what else you may perceive in order to detect lying or misdirection. Two lame signs of affection are tells that things are changing. If he half-hugs you (instead of full body or around both shoulders), or he pats you on the back during a hug it is an indication that he is distancing himself from you and your togetherness. Also, if you catch him looking up and to the left while he is showering you with “love talk” odds are he is not being truthful. Not looking in your eyes and looking to the “creative” side of the brain, where new thoughts are developed, will enable you to see his lie and he doesn’t know he is doing it and getting caught. Pay close attention, if you know he is telling a fib, look at all he is doing at the time; Is he looking away? Does his voice change? Is he rolling his ring around his finger with his thumb? Are there any other changes during a regular habit or routine? If so, you’ll know the secret to his level of honesty.

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3) Suddenly you are a committee. What happened to alone time? He has asked or invited without asking you, a few or few dozen friends along when you should be alone on a date. He could be telling you you’re boring and he needs others along to provide more interest or fun. If it’s early in your relationship he may be saying I’d rather be in a group than on a date with you but didn’t have the guts to discuss it. Another painful indicator is if he flirts with any of the other women from the group while he is supposedly on this date with you. As I mentioned before, it’s time to talk it out. Maybe he just wants to show you off to a group of his friends, but it’s a weird way to do it especially if he really does care for you, and he doesn’t tell you the reason WHY he wants the group togetherness.

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4) He used to call several times a day, now he doesn’t answer many of your calls. Hmmmm. What’s going on here? From almost a pest to the invisible man. Now he doesn’t answer your e-mail until the next day, when he used to text you back in 10 seconds? HMMMM. Has he cancelled any dates recently because he is busy at work? Has he made excuses to not talk about what you preface as important issues to discuss? When you are with him does he have mysterious calls and says wrong number or you catch him whispering sneakily into a cupped phone? Have you recently walked in on him and he slams his laptop down so you don’t see the screen or hear the audio? I know, you would be long gone out of his life well before most of these things happened. But I’m taking artistic license and driving home a point. If you are being worn down by a hundred little taps to your noggin, it’s time to force the sit-down before the big roundhouse right levels you and the relationship.

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5) He has become a cranky pain-in-the-ass. He rolls his eyes, is overly critical about you or what you hold dear, snaps to a negative judgment before hearing the facts, and seems to always be looking for a fight. It may already have gone too far to reclaim. You rationalized most of his behavior; a) Because you love him, b) Most couples have occasional problems, c) Maybe he’s having his period, and maybe it’s a mid-life crisis or finally, d) You are delusional. Many men cannot face the conversation required to work things out. They feel it will be confrontational and so rather than have to talk they revert into a stubborn, pouting 3 year old who folds his arms and acts out. Good luck with your meeting. Hope it works out for you, you deserve better and the next guy will be nice. Just remember, love is supposed to be enjoyable. O.K. ladies it’s time to open up and tell me about your previous relationship with a petulant man-child from your past, and how the heart-to-heart discussion worked out. Folks, I love to write and just LOVE to write for YOU.

Thanks,

Marty

HDCoverframed

Website:      stophatingdating.com

You can also find me at :

http://www.twitter.com/martysavarick     or     http://www.facebook.com/101waystostophatingdating http://www.amazon.com/author/martysavarick