What a wonderful, interesting weekend we just had. Most of the days of our lives, we’re just passing thru. Our days are replicas of most other boring, routine days, kinda reminding me of the classic Bill Murray film “Groundhog Day.” But this past extended weekend, starting with Friday evening and up to right now as I’m writing this latest Blog, we enjoyed a group of exciting experiences.
It began innocently enough with a dinner date with another couple who we’ve known as neighbors for a long while, but no one ever took the initiative to ask the other couple to get together socially. I knew from a few conversations that he was a nice guy and people said she was funny. Well, funny is not the word, I’d prefer calling her hysterical. Use your imagination and create a comedy mix of Ellen DeGeneres, John Rivers, and Chelsea Handler. She told stories that had us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. We had such a good time that I wrote to her later that evening and addressed her as my “Twin sister from another mother in another decade.”
Another wonderful experience was watching Billy Crystals “700 Sundays” on HBO. I cannot ever remember so many moments of laughter mixed in with tears as Billy related his family life, then sadly losing his beloved father when Billy was only 15.
Saturday evening we had a lovely romantic dinner at home and watched the film “A Civil Action,” a legal drama starring John Travolta with an amazing supporting role played by the late, great James Gandolfini.
Sunday morning we visited a new Asian massage place for the first time that specializes in foot massage. The whole experience takes 45 minutes. They start you with a neck and upper back massage and follow by a half hour of the most incredible foot massage (Reflexology). We booked again for next weekend and another Wow experience.
Last night I looked up some interesting people on Twitter, and recall a very intriguing comment. One woman posted; “It’s kinda messed up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just wakes up and decides never to talk to you again. No reason. No explanation. No words said. They just leave you hanging like you never meant shit to them, and what hurts the most is how they make it look so easy.” Now this morning, while reading my local paper I noticed a nationwide advice column called Ask Amy, that featured this headline, ” Woman confused by a change of heart.” The guy simply left her for no apparent reason.
Hmmmm. Something very strange, yet quite familiar, is going on here. It appears that there are many heartbroken women in the same boat. Some of these bums drag women along for an interminable time with their latest version of the big lie.”I love you and I swear we will be together.” The ones in a relationship that choose to leave are not such good liars or actors, so they leave in the middle of the night, so to speak. The ones that wait for the light of day are the slightly “braver” ones, but that doesn’t mean they will ever tell WHY, they left. Sadly there are many stories of women under the spell of those actor-liars who string their girlfriends along, delusionally wasting the best years of their lives.
Why does it also happen to the ones who have been in a long term illicit relationship? They have been leaving their wives forever, but not quite yet. Why do so many women take so long to notice his “tells” or conflicting indicators, often unbelievable stories and negative body language. Here are a group of comments that may be all or part of the answer, and why she is in the position she’s in;
a) “I love him, I have unbreakable faith that he will be mine someday.”
b) “I know he loves me and he has this/these big problem(s) to overcome.”
c) “I know he tells me some little white lies, but that’s to protect me from some bad news.”
d) “My close friends and family know about us and don’t like him, but they are all wrong.”
e) “I’ve waited so long, a few more (days, weeks, months, etc.), will be worth the wait.”
f) “I believe in the power of prayer.”
g) “So what if he looks at and flirts with other women, boys will be boys.”
h) No matter how long I’ve waited for him, it only feels like a very short time since his last excuse.
I) “I just know he is the man for me and I refuse to cheat on him and our love because I know that if I do, I will live to regret it.”
Without knowing all your details, it is impossible for me to tell you exactly what to do. It’s easy to pull a Dr. Phil and solve your problem in 22 minutes, less commercials, but this is a serious matter, not a TV show. Just for me to call names, “He is a LIAR and you my dear, are a FOOL,” will not solve your situation.
I have combined two types of heartbreakers together, so let’s solve one at a time. As far as the guy who tells you he loves you on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and says I’m leaving on Friday, unfortunately you may never find out why he left. I’m sure you would love to know why for several reasons; curiosity, if there was someone else, or perhaps a habit or behavior or yours that he couldn’t deal with any longer. The most positive reason to know why, is because there may be something there that you can choose to change about yourself. I’m sure you would like to know what about you this guy hates, in order to see if it’s worthwhile trying to change because the next guy(s) might be bothered by the same thing. Here are some of the kinder reasons why he might say he had to leave;
a) “It’s not you, it’s me.” George Costanza in Seinfeld thought it up, or so he thought.
b) “I just need more space.”
c) “I just need to be on my own right now to better deal with my problems.”
d) “I’m just not ready now for a committed relationship.”
e) “You must have known that I haven’t been happy for a while.”
f) “I don’t deserve you.”
Those that say nothing and leave, if pressed, might say something nasty just to inflict pain or to get revenge for some unspoken incident. Be careful what you wish for;
a) “I’ve met someone else.”
b) “I’m not in love with you.”
c) “I never was in love with you, I tried, but it never happened.”
d) “You have too many annoying habits for me to deal with.”
The other guy is the one who can’t pull the trigger by getting his divorce finalized, (so to speak.) He wants to be with you, so he says, but he either can’t make the move to freedom, or he is just using you as a sex toy with no plan for permanence. You are enabling this guy by listening to, and accepting his bull. Don’t continue to be a victim. The choice is yours. Here is what I suggest you do and how you should feel about it;
a) Give him one last deadline. Tell him if he is not free and totally available to you by the deadline, it’s definitely over. Even if you’ve had “deadlines” before, swear that this time it’s for real.
b) After he disappoints you this final time, then break it off, (What a dirty mind. I know what you’re thinking. I mean break the relationship off). No communication between you. (not even to find out about a sick relative.) Zero contact. No “accidental” running into each other, (I know you know his schedule), no calls of any kind, no computer contacts of any kind, no intervening friends to finally bring him to his senses. Nada, zip, nothing. It’s over! You’ve been used and now YOU are in charge.
c) Get on with your life. You’re terrific. Go on dates, lots of dates. Join the top dating sites, get friends to fix you up with “nice” compatible guys. Even if there’s no immediate chemistry, at least you can accumulate a new group of male friends, who also have friends, they too also have other friends, etc.
d) You will survive. Living well is the best revenge.
The death of a close, intimate, loving relationship is painful, and will take some time to totally overcome.You must pull yourself back from the quicksand of the loving memories from the good times and objectively review all of your history together. His ongoing unkept promises, lies, occasional mysterious loss of contact, the volume of times you’ve forgiven him, and now be thankful you’ve made the decision to rescue yourself. No more a victim. Just love yourself and someone truly worthy will deeply love you sooner than you ever thought possible.
Please comment in the space below. I’d love to know what’s on your mind. Have you or any close friends suffered the heartbreak of an unsuspected break-up?
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