Income Inequality: Change is Coming

Last night we went to see Nebraska, the Bruce Dern film shot in black and White about old people and their depressing lives. He plays a sad, somewhat senile old man, who got a notice from a marketing company telling him he won One Million dollars. All he has to do is bring the letter to receive the money. He gets his son to drive him the approximately 8oo miles to claim his “Prize.” The wide open spaces of Montana and Nebraska provides a realistic background for the lack of energy we see in most of the characters. They sit in groups of friends and relatives, watching TV, not speaking and never changing expression. It looks like a Grant Wood painting. It seems at times to be more like a series of photos, rather than a moving picture.

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Their sadness with its continuous lack of vim, vigor and intelligent conversation made me feel that this scenario is repeated today all across America, primarily because of the depressing creeping poverty and seeming lack of opportunity, I had an urge to yell at the screen…SNAP OUT OF IT!! You have to do SOMETHING to make your lives better. Just by sitting there, nothing will ever change to improve things.

Income inequality is not the problem. Lack of effort and initiative is. If a dozen Billionaires went bust tomorrow, these lethargic folks wouldn’t notice it one bit. More government handouts are not the answer either. An inequality of income opportunity is more representative of their situation. So what have many poor Americans done to improve their lot in life? They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, (whatever that means) and worked harder and smarter utilizing their skills or learned a new trade.  But maybe I had judged these plain and simple folks unfairly. They do have homes, cars, small businesses, and a comfortable lifestyles living amongst relatives and life long friends.  Maybe they are happy because their life is all they know and they don’t aspire to what I call better or more luxurious things. They just might be content. I guess content is O.K.

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Now, how about a few brief words about our recent “State of the Union” address. I think the President looked happy and chipper in spite of the negative comments in the media. I think he knew that his long overdue statement guaranteeing “equal pay for equal work” and the raise of the minimal wage to $10.10 will be well received. And boy oh boy, was it. He created a difficult problem for the Republican Party. As the throngs of Democrats and almost all women in the hall stood and applauded for several minutes, the vision of John Boehner sitting there uncaring, I’m sure has left an indelible mark on the American electorate. The wage disparity has also appeared suddenly in New York and New Jersey. Both states share operating control of the Port Authority that manages the Bridges and Tunnels linking the two states. Governor Andrew Cuomo almost immediately accepted the increase up to $10.10 for his New York employees of the Port Authority, leaving a very problematic situation for Governor Chris Christie. As the media darling and acknowledged leader in the Republican Polls for the 2016 Presidential election, Christie and his office, has recently come under severe media scrutiny for questionably closing several lanes for four days of the George Washington Bridge (the busiest bridge in the World), and causing gigantic traffic jams. Governor Christie had to make a decision to keep his Presidential hopes alive. He chose to not increase the wages on the Jersey side, enraging his employees but satisfying the ultra conservative wing of his party. Conservatives howl every time a raise in the minimum wage is suggested. They insist that the higher labor costs would results in layoffs and higher unemployment. But the minimum wage is $10 per hour in Britain and Canada, nearly $13 in France and $14.88 in Australia. The Australian unemployment rate is only 5.7% , compared to our 7%.

Thanks for reading this blog. Please write your comments below.

I love to write and I love to write for you.

HDCoverframed

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Am I Ready for a Change?..A Sex Change?

No silly. Not a sex change, unless you REALLY hate yourself and OH, never mind, that’s a problem I’m not qualified to help you with. You need Dr. Phil or some other major TV Shrink that can make you reveal your reasons in one hour, less commercial’s. I’m talking about why you don’t like yourself enough and what you can, and SHOULD do about it. Some may call it insecurity, or lack of ego or perhaps you unfairly compare yourself with the way certain celebrities look. But minor changes, even quite a few of them, are easy to accomplish as long as you have the desire and the stick-to-itiveness to re-make yourself.

Discover the REAL You by Changing the OLD YOU

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Most of us are creatures of habit. We have routines, patterns and live a life of predictability. We usually wake up the same time, prefer to eat the same things, eating those meals at the same time, in the same place, with the same dishes and utensils, watching the same TV shows, dress pretty much the same way, live in the same home, area, town, or state while associating with the same people, without ever thinking about changing any of it. We also usually drive to work in an old car, checking the same old watch so we won’t be late, working in the same job surrounded by the same people all the while truly admiring other people who “do” or “change” things. How about, starting tomorrow, you begin to start to change things. No, not a lot, not all at once, but a little at a time. Try to change at least one thing each and every day. Wake up a few minutes earlier.. lie down on the floor flat on your back and stretch for a few minutes, (you’ll feel taller, be able to stand straighter, and be much more limber). OMG that person I just recognized in the mirror is not bent over like before. Change the cereal that you’ve have had since childhood, (I bought a big, closable, plastic, wide mouth container, and I blend my own, (I add Cheerios to Cornflakes and a dab of a sweet cereal for a little pick-me-up-healthy-breakfast-treat). Visit the library or get on the Internet and research things that have always intrigued you, but forgot to follow up. Investigate new places to travel to on your vacation. What other interests can you discover? Switch things up just for the curiosity of it all. You drink Coke-Cola? Try the new Pepsi, who knows, you even may like it better? Start a love affair with yourself and your body. Begin walking every day. A little at  first, but soon you’ll briskly be walking miles, losing weight, being in better shape, and knowing a lot more about what’s going on in your neighborhood.

How about a tad more Wild and Crazy?

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Ask a person you always admired to lunch, take flying lessons, go whitewater rafting with one of your new friends, (I loved it!). Any hot air balloon rides nearby?(Loved that too). Check your local paper for upcoming club meetings, then try one, you may even like it well enough to become a member. You certainly will meet new people, with at least the club as something in common. Re-paint one wall in your house (even if it’s Purple, my favorite color). Cancel those magazines you have been re-subscribing to every year and never get around to reading. I get The Week, it has replaced many of my old magazines because it is so concise and non-political, (plus saving me hundreds of dollars a year). Call or visit an old family member or friend that you haven’t seen for a while, you’ll feel much better and make them happier too. I do the Jumble in the morning and watch Jeopardy at night. I know it expands my mind and may just fight off Alzheimer’s.

Become Funnier

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How you ask? Easy, I reply. Learn a few jokes you really like and would love to tell others, (the Internet is full of them), Now here’s the clue…you practice in a mirror until you own them. The more you practice the more professional you’ll appear. Interestingly, the more you practice, the more it will be embedded in your new Comedy brain file, so when the subject matter comes up any time in the future, you will be ready to jump in with your well rehearsed joke(s). When you tell it, you own it, simply a matter of automatically connecting that brain synapse.

And finally, turn into an Entrepreneur…What product or service is needed? Write your own business plan, then protect it, (the “how to ” is conveniently free and online).  Simple at first, one sentence or paragraph will do, then expand it, refine it, confer with trusted friends, network with experts, and perhaps you can turn it into a real successful business. You’ll never know until you make the effort and simply try it.

Lots of things to digest here, but if you truly wish to become a new, different and better  YOU, it can be done. I’ll bet you’ll fall in love with the NEW you.

Send me your comments. I love to write, I love to write for you and really LOVE to hear from you.

Marty

You also can reach me@

www.twitter.com/martysavarick  www.facebook.com/martin.savarick

Screwing Your Lover

Hardly anybody comes into a potential relationship totally unencumbered. Just as I feel it is a requirement to always tell the truth during the dating process, it also carries forward to the commitment stage. Luring someone into marriage without telling the “whole truth and nothing but the truth,” is a recipe for disaster. When people tie the knot, or agree to make a major financial and personal commitment in lieu of marriage, I feel it is “Fraud in the inducement” not to honestly tell your partner EVERYTHING about yourself and any potential problems that may arise in the future.

Our helpful friend Merriam Webster tells us that encumber also means; weighted down, burdened, hamper the function of activity, impediment to what may be expected, hinder and finally, be a claim against property or oneself.

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Say your heart is in the right place and you agree to exchange everything that someday just may be a problem you both will have to deal with including; children, possibly grandchildren, ex-spouses (any alimony or other contractual arrangements), ex’s children and their families and debts, lawsuits, business problems, crazies, brothers, sisters, friends, health problems, pets and prior contracts, just to name a few. If you are honest, and your heart is in the right place, you probably will reveal all the total cast of former characters, and the potential future risks. But I can forsee two conceivable problems; you inadvertently forgot something from the past, or problems you thought were dead and buried and never could reappear, viola, at the most inappropriate time, they suddenly jump back up and bite you in the tush, rendering you red-faced and riddled with guilt…… They got over the problems, and so they were Wed.

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How about those wished for fantasies that you dreamed about, but put off to a later date, and want to implement NOW, much to the surprise and chagrin of your partner?What if one of the partners “decided” they wanted to have or adopt another child? Do you think Brad Pitt really counted on adopting a group of future U.N. members and have matching children of his own?

Well now that we’ve covered some of the potential problems, let’s look into some anticipatory solutions:

#1 Don’t jump into finalizing the relationship with a ring, contract, bringing the lawyers and the Government into your affairs. Take your time, and try to learn as much of their story as possible. Try to meet and spend quality time with their entire cast of characters. Ask lots of question. Odds are someone will hate someone else in the group enough, and you’ll hear the whole chilling story in gory detail.

#2 Ask your intended if there are surprises. After a reasonable period of time has elapsed, ask it in different ways. It’s worth annoying them a little to discover a potential deal breaker early on.

#3 If you still have a smidgeon of doubt, satisfy you nagging hesitancy by doing some private investigation yourself. There are many Internet services that offer written, detailed, revealing reports on the person in question. Still not sure? Then hire a private detective agency who can determine who they really are, who they claim they used to be, and who they sneak off to visit secretly.

#4 Even if it all checks out to your satisfaction, and although there may not be a whole lot in assets, still insist on a pre-nuptial agreement that will protect you from anything you are not aware of, and potentially responsible for.

#5 Build trust slowly. Try to keep your own stuff, so if and when it’s time to move on, you will be relatively whole, if you choose to start the whole process all over again.

Let me know about your feelings on the matter. Fill out the comments area below.

As you may know by now, I love to write and I love to write for you.

Marty

HDCoverframed

You can also follow me @:

www.twitter.com/martysavarick    www.facebook.com/martin.savarick

The Death of Willpower

So how are you doing so far with your New Years Resolutions? Still sticking to them? Good for you. I knew you could do it. Now tell me, and yourself, the truth. It’s not even a month and most people who swore to stick to them have only to wait 340 more days to vow to follow them all over again. Maybe next time you’ll try harder. Instead of waiting, let’s start now instead. Let’s pretend that I am a genie that will grant you a wish. You can either wait 340 days and buy time, or you can really, I mean this time REALLY focus, look in the mirror and promise, risking everything you hold dear to you, that you will try harder to follow this NEW set of realistic, practical, and satisfying resolutions. Here’s a hint, if you want to gain this genie’s respect, you have to choose option # 2.

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Good choice, now let’s get stated. It should be easy, there are only 10.

1)  Value and cherish your family, friends and colleagues; who they are, and what they mean to you and others. Assume they can’t or won’t change those little, (and sometimes big) things that they do, (or don’t do), that drives you nuts. Are you perfect? Accepting that realization makes it much easier to allow those important relationships to flourish.

2) Promise that if something bothers you, you’ll invest a calming moment before you say or do something that cannot be taken back. I like to call it the “taking a walk around the block self-inflicted time out.” One of my ex-employees decided to “kill” a co-worker, I intervened and said, “you are too big and angry to stop, but do me a favor, walk around the block and when you come back, I promise we won’t stop you from doing what you feel you must do. He came back 15 minutes later with tears streaming down his face, hugged me for a couple of minutes and said words to me I’ll never forget. “Do you realize how many guys are in jail now because someone wasn’t there to ask them to take a walk around the block?”

3) Cut down on the ego and stubborn times, accepting the fact that you don’t know everything. Collaborate with others who just may know the right answers, enabling you to work together creating a more efficient, effective, brain trust.

4) Diplomatically have the courage to try to right wrongs that need to be dealt with. Set a positive example by trying to correct negativity and provably incorrect statements made by others.

5) Accept and respect the diversity of faiths, feelings and fashions of others.

6) Speak the truth to power, being both polite and persistent. Be ever aware that there is a fine line between persistence and aggression. Advocate with the assertiveness of truth as you know it to be, with confidence and commitment to the real facts that are not based on rumor or mistruths.

7) To surprise people with a pleasant greeting and smile everyday with unexpected kindness in word and deed. Life’s small gifts of compassion and concern are cherished.

8) To protect, advocate and defend the underdog and those people who rely on you for support.

9) Be positive and optimistic and never give up on a person, or a cause, that you truly believe in, despite the challenges you may face doing so. Very often the simple act of perseverance exemplifies leadership, attracts followers and can create significant change.

10) Don’t get stuck in the dogma of what you learned as a child. An open mind is required for you to question authority, political party preferences and religious training. Many years ago when Bill Maher was on regular TV, he had invited a group of well spoken, intelligent, representatives from 5 major faiths. They were told by Bill to talk about their Religions and personal feelings, pledging they will not be interrupted by him (except for commercials ever 10 minutes or so). At the end of the show Maher shook everyones hand, thanked them, and said something I will never forget. “Gentlemen, we are all accidents of birth. If you were born 12,000 miles away, you would all be part a different faith now. You learned what your parents and teachers taught you to believe, because they were convinced that it was the absolute truth.” It was not necessary for Maher to repeat the well known fact that more people have died throughout history in wars because of religion, than for any other reason. As a skeptic, it caused me to think of the question that suddenly became very obvious to me. Why would a all powerful, all caring, all loving God allow such carnage in his name? In the ensuing years, I have heard many answers, but none so far have satisfied my curiosity. Any thoughts?

Please leave your comments in the box below.

I LOVE to write and LOVE to write for you.

Thanks,

Marty,

HDCoverframed

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$URVIVAL….Running Out of $ecurity?

Don’t run out of Money before you run out of Life.

Here are a bunch of eye-opening facts followed up by even more important eye-opening questions that will force you to think about how much money you have to live on now, and how much you will need later. Later, means as soon as tomorrow. Here are a few quickies to ponder. Are you certain you won’t lose your job or your business? Are you certain you, or someone you love and care for, doesn’t get seriously ill? Are you insured for a serious health care expenditure? Are you positive we won’t have another financial disaster like we did only a few years ago?  A few weeks ago, Target was hacked and over 60 million customers had their identities stolen, same thing also recently happened with ultra prestigious Neiman Marcus. I just got my e-mail account working again. Me and tens of millions of Yahoo e-mail users were out of service for several days, it may be cyber-hacking. Not only do our governmental agencies like the NSA watch us and listen in on all our electronic communications, but I recently learned on the very successful TV show Shark Tank, that strangers can be viewing us through that little camera lens on the top of our home computers, laptops, cell phones or DVRs. Is there any electronic stuff in YOUR bedroom or bathroom? Did you ever think someday you may be an unwilling porn star?

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Obviously, I didn’t mean to scare you, but forewarned is forearmed. So if it takes a shock of awareness to get your attention about personal security and make you act, then I have done my duty.  Another important part of awareness I want to share with you, is trying to get you to learn more about Financial $ecurity. Here are a few facts that may open your eyes that were recently researched and printed by well respected sources.

We hear a lot about the Rich and Famous but hear very little about the other 98%

* About 75% (that’s 3 out of every 4) of all Americans have less than $ 30,000 in total retirement savings.

* About half of middle-class workers will retire poor, or in nearly-poor conditions

* About 80% of all workers will be unable to cover all financial needs in retirement.

* Only 14% of American workers are confident that they will have enough money to retire from their job.

* Workers who just begin to work should budget to save about 8% of their net earnings, then gradually build it to about 30% throughout their working life to be able to enjoy a safe, financially secure, retirement. I think I know what you’re thinking, I don’t know anybody either who has planned so well.

* The so called “retirement” age of 65 is now an old wives tale. People have to work longer to survive financially. Pretty soon, in order to save Social Security, that retirement number will have to move up about one year every couple of years, to allow the baby boomers to participate. Baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1964) will be retiring in droves at age 65 putting a huge financial burden on the Social Security system. These 50 to 68 year olds will also be around longer because of the ongoing incredible progress in medical science. The average life expectancy is now close to 78. Imagine how wonderful it would be when all cancers are finally cured and damaged hearts can effectively self-generate their own repair. Life time expectancy will move rapidly to over 100. Sure, it’s exciting to think about, but where is their retirement money coming from?

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The Experts weigh in and come up Empty

My next book after “101 Ways to Stop Hating Dating,” is called “The Best Financial $urvival Guide” and should be available in early spring 2014. After I finished writing the financial book, I wanted to see what the competition was doing, so I bought many of the top selling financial books and read them. Most of them got into intricate details about how to balance a portfolio and where to place your savings so you will be able to retire. In my opinion, they left out how to deal with a large numbers of variables. Things are constantly changing and ones assumptions also have to change.  Most other financial authors lock in certain investment parameters and then when several variables change, either within your control or out of your control, most are not equipped to change/update the original plan. Retirement planning is a very complex issue. It is prone to many, often significant errors in estimation, and usually contain a LARGE margin of potential miscalculation. You must build in a confidence buffer, because you’ll have to change many preconceived notions (assumptions), and what they’ll do to your retirement expectations. Very often planners over-estimate income and dramatically underestimate expenses. It’s not quite like that old truism “Garbage in-Garbage out” but no matter how you begin, you must keep updating those variables. One quick note that will affect future plans, is that we are now living in a time of practically zero inflation, (except for food and fuel costs which are strangely left out of the inflation calculations). Inflation will return, we don’t know when and how severely, so keep this formula in mind. Your income is; return on investment, plus cash from ( job, Social Security, dividend paying stocks, pension income, and any other net income), MINUS the cost of inflation.

Many “older” books that are ironically still for sale, have truisms that no longer are true. There used to be a very popular hypothesis called the 4% theory. Simply stated, it suggested that you take out 4% every year from your retirement funds, and the balance of the invested dollars will make up for the lost 4%. The theory was based on having the rest of the fund “cover” the missing 4% with guaranteed net investment dollars. In the past, Triple A tax free bonds paid at least 4%, which in effect provided the money to live on. Today you can’t even find a Triple A tax free bond that even approaches a 2% yield. Bank interest is under 1% and is taxable, so until we have inflation to increase those yields at least double, we cannot use the old 4% theory. The old popular “Monte Carlo Technique” is a very complicated system that also has fallen on hard times, and doesn’t work in our current financial environment, so you are wasting your money looking into purchasing non-current financial advice books.

Warren Buffet Quotes

How “The Best Financial $urvival Guide” is Different.

I don’t only look far ahead to retirement, I talk about starting today and what to do to increase your current “net” income. My Book focuses on all the various things you can and should do to save money ASAP…BONUS:  Direct from the book, here is tip # 1.. Do you think you can make 15% to 19% on your money? I didn’t think so, but you are enabling your bank to get it from you when you don’t pay off your credit card balance each month.  DO NOT FINANCE YOUR DEBT. Stop buying so damm much!!!. When you finally learn the difference between Want and Need, you are finally on the road to financial survival.  How would you like to cut your food costs in half or more. It’s right there before you, every day in your newspaper. Watch one less TV program a day and spend that time clipping coupons. Look for bargains and sales. If you can swap your car without much expense, replace it with a non gas guzzler. Take those savings and pay down your credit cards. When they are paid off, have a card cutting ceremony. (Note. You really should cut them up now, but I trust you not to use them again until you pay them off, then invite me to that card gashing party.)

Final Words of Wisdom

Well, if you read this far, I apologize for yelling at you, but between you and me, we all need it sometimes. We tend to procrastinate. Putting off saving money, putting off retirement planning, putting off decreasing that usurious credit card financial rape, is just being lazy. Tomorrow will be just fine. Well you know tomorrow never comes, but what does come, are days that rapidly disappear. Fill in your favorite word to complete the expression, “Where did the; day, week, month, year, time, life…go? My old timer friends often say, “Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes,” or “Times they are a fleeting.” You just have to roll up your sleeves and start now. Make a list…I said make a list NOW!! Write down your revised New Years resolutions and start with reducing or removing the charges on your credit cards, believe me everything else becomes easier. Then write down how and where you will save money. My book is chock full of additional money savings ideas.

My book will tell you how to get the job or start the business of your dreams, but first things first. Now start that list.

Good luck!!  Welcome to the world of the survivors. No victims allowed.

Write to me and tell me how you saved or earned money.

I love to write and help people, and I love to write for YOU.

Thanks,

Marty

Contact me@;

www.twitter.com/martysavarick  and   www.facebook.com/martin.savarick

Your Daughter Is So Beautiful…..That’s My Wife!!

This blog was inspired by a Chapter in my book, “101 Ways to Stop Hating Dating.” Hopefully, the updated version in an e-book format will be available in just a few weeks.

Chapter 26 starts with one of my 101+ rules…Rule #26 is…I don’t think a major requirement for people who are dating is to find someone the same age. Historically, women have been comfortable with men who are ten to fifteen years their senior. Fairly recently, a modern trend has been highlighted in the media whereby much younger men and older women are romantically involved. A few years ago, the romance between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher garnered lots of ink. This arrangement makes sense to me for a couple of reasons. First, biologically, men reach their sexual peak between eighteen and twenty two, and women from twenty eight to thirty two. The other reason why older women are available for younger men, is that the young guys fathers, and often grandfathers, are off running around dating much younger women. In Biology class, our professors called it “water seeking it’s own level.” Usually the wealthier old guys are, the younger their playmates. I guess you could say that “money also seeks it’s own level.”

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One problem that often arises in these May-September romances for women is that her  biological clock is still ticking, but it’s rapidly winding down. She may be looking for a last chance to have a baby, but he is looking to have fun running around, travelling the world, party, then sleep late, he is not ready for another child to compete with for her attention. Same thing goes for an older gentleman whose young attractive girlfriend with the perfect body has now decided to have a baby. A crying, needy infant doesn’t sound like what he bargained for when he made the investment in expensive gifts for her.

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I personally know a sixtyish swinging bachelor who likes them young, naïve and trainable. She wants a sugar daddy who will teach her new things and travel to exotic faraway places. He is happy running around with this current young, attractive piece of arm candy, and that makes both of them feel very alive. A woman of means that I also happen to know, takes a boy-toy with her as they travel the world, teaching him manners and culture during the day, and reaping the rewards of his six-pack abs when the sun sets.

I’m quite different than many other men. I’ve always desired a level playing field in my relationships. I need someone who I consider an equal in intelligence, sense of humor,  several similar interests, and most importantly, mutual respect. Not a rubber stamp of each other, but far from that truism of opposites attract.

Lets talk about sex. Todays younger females have more than gained sexual equality. The women are no longer home waiting by the phone for that call asking her for a date. Nowadays, she is out there in clubs and bars picking up guys and organizing her own “friends with benefits” arrangements. Most young women I know, or have heard about, feel that a hug, handshake, kiss on the cheek, or a BJ are all the same. Many older, more religious folks are shocked and appalled by this behavior, but it has been going on for several years and it is commonplace. Bill Clinton kind of opened the floodgates when he said “Oral sex is not sex.”

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Wasn’t there a song called “Born too soon?”

Tell me about your dating experiences, especially if there was an age disparity.

I just LOVE to write and Love to write for YOU.

Marty

Follow me on:

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HDCoverframed

The Computerized Bedroom Drove Me Wild

This story can be viewed as Part 2 or the follow-up to my last blog, “Kinky and Beautiful in the Big Apple.” No, wait. That’s not totally accurate. The previous blog has the beginning and the end of the weekend, and this one talks about the middle. Here is an inside tip about writing a blog. When I re-read what I’ve written up to now, I was ready to hit erase and start over. Now why bother you with such doubletalk? I have to tell you a little “secret” about me. Although I’m faaaar away from being religious, I truly believe I have an invisible Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other, both talking into a nearby ear. Angel spoke first, “Marty, it’s confusing, you should start over,” Devil jumped in, “That’s bull, if they don’t understand that you were trying to explain where this middle story fits, then screw ’em, they’re not worth writing for.” Angel then replies, “Don’t be lazy, you can make it better just by starting over.” Mr. Devil is yelling now, c’mon what the hell are you writing here, Gone With the Wind? It’s just a cock-a-mamie blog, get to the damn story.” Angel grudgingly gives in, but he surprisingly uses a zinger in his reply. “O.K., Marty do what you want, but the bad guy on your other shoulder got his way because he is yelling, name calling and threatening you. What does he think, that this is New Jersey?

Chris-Christie-needs-to-live-low-carb

Knowing that we would have a busy weekend and going to two Broadway shows, I had researched and found a new (to me) hotel on 44th street right in the heart of the theatre district. I had read some good reviews about it, so I made the reservations. The Chatwal Hotel was as beautiful as advertised. The service was superb. The Junior Suite was roomy and appointed even nicer than we expected, except for one minor problem. It was all computerized, from the electronic drapes to the high tech potty. Now potty is definitely the wrong word to use, but some of the other synonyms are even worse. I won’t call it a; john, restroom, can, latrine, loo, throne room, urinal, toilette’s not so bad, so let’s agree on commode. The commode was more like an electronic robot than a simple toilet. It had a control panel mounted on the wall next to one’s knee that offered the user several interesting options; rear rinse, front rinse, warm air blowing up the rear (put in your own funny line here), and had a normal flushometer way in the back, beyond normal reach. Sounds like fun, or certainly great hygiene? Except there was one little problem, if you were a local guy big enough to play for the Jets, Giants, Knicks or Nets you could not enjoy the electronic modern marvel. This car wash equipment took up at least half of what would be the back half of a normal toilet seat. So unless you scrunched forward turning the front part of the seat into a nutcracker, you either had to use public facilities or hold it in for another 24hrs.

toilet seat

The lights, TV’s and Drapes all were controlled by a I-Pad type panel that was thankfully on her side of the bed. Thinking back, when we first were shown the room by the hotel bellman, before he left, he asked if there was anything in the room that I needed help with, gesturing and nodding at the I-Padish control device. Little did I realize that is was as complicated as the dashboard of the Star Ship Enterprise. Of course my little Angel and Devil had some input after hearing the Bellman’s offer. Angel-“Marty Wait!, you’re not letting him go before showing us how it works?” Followed by the Darling Devil who said “Marty are you a pussy or what.? It tells you what it’s for, any moron can work it.” I’ve often wondered after a lifetime of listening to the Devil, why I still keep doing it?

hotel controls of room

After calling the front desk and have someone come to close our drapes, then calling the front desk again and having someone get my reading lamp to work, we settled in for a comfortable night of logging off.

Saturday evening at dinner, I excused myself to go to the restaurants men’s’ room (nice guess, but you’re wrong, it was a normal bathroom), I had a conversation with another guest who was also waiting on line. He told me he owned a comedy club and travels to see up-and- coming acts. So after my angel told me this was a great chance for an audition, I told him the story about my hotel bathroom experience. He was laughing hysterically, then I walked across the bathroom for a paper toweI holding my groin moaning and faking a severe limp. He asked “what happened?” I said “Oh, I forgot to tell you that when I used the bathroom during the night, and was then looking forward to a warm “below the deck” spritz, I accidently hit the “tampon remover” button.” I’ve already made an appointment with my regular Urologist back home, Doctor Pecker.” (I kinda embellished the story for more laughs). He hired me to start next Saturday night in his comedy club in Voldosta, Georgia. The devil told me not to do it, but what the hell does the devil know about show biz?

Let me know if you had any funny or interesting HIGH-TECH experiences.

You know by now that I love to write, and I love to write for YOU.

Hope I brought a smile to your face,

Marty

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